I said to my son, "You skipped school today to play football."
He said, "No I never, and I've got the fish to prove it."

I've decided to write a Mr Men book in honour of my unwanted daughter.
Little Miss Take

It's fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream...,
or 9-volt batteries.

The other day, my son was talking back to my wife.
She asked him to do something and he said, "No! I don't want to."
So I pulled him aside and said, "Son, you have got to teach me how to do that."

Can't decide whether to have children or get a dog.
It's a choice between wrecked furniture, or my future.

My girlfriend has just text me :
Fancie a bitt of annal tonite?
Don't get me wrong it's a lovely text, but I don't agree with an 8 year old having a mobile.

I always tell my kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Largely in the hope that other parents tell their kids the same thing..

My young daughter was burning up today so I rang NHS Direct, "how hot is she?" they inquired.
"about 8/10..." didn't seem to go down that well..

I saw an interview with a chinese woman on Sky News the other day.
She was talking about how once she owned a dog as a pet, she couldn't eat dog anymore.
I imagine I'll be the same when I have children.

Screw these cartoons, I know a much more effective way to stop child abuse, hand out baseball bats to children.

My mate asked me to look after his three kids.
I don't mind.

I was holding my son above my head letting him pretend to be superman this morning. When he got bored he asked me to put him down.
Luckily I had a needle and some pentobarbital sollution handy.

My father used to say "I love kids, but I couldn't eat a full one".
I knew I'd beat my father at something one day

My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending Christmas together as a family.

The worst part about being a paedophile is trying to fit in.

When I awoke in the middle of the night to the scratching on my wardrobe door, it brought back my old fear of monsters lurking in the dark.
Then I realised it was just the kids coming round.

After we reached a decision on the abortion, every night I've been given chills up and down my spine by the haunting screams of a crying baby. I lay there wishing we'd had it.
But we made the choice and we'll just have to cope with an unwanted child.

I read my 4 year old son his first ebook today. It was a pop-up.
He now knows he can meet hot, young, single girls in his area.
And he lived happily ever after.

My girlfriend and I decided to admit we are trying for a baby.
Our father was disgusted.

Doctor- im afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son.
Mother- i thought you said he was perfectly healthy?
Doctor- Oh i did, but his bath is overflowing.

My dad didn't care about me as a child.
Then he turned 18 and became slightly more responsible.

Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs...
Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van.

Thankfully the only time my wife will ever beat me is when we're fighting for the custody of our children.

Here at the sweatshop everyday is bring your children to work day!

What is the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of sand?
You can't pitchfork a lorry load of sand