I have puppies instead of children. I'd rather ruin my carpet then my life.

I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming.
That chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever.

Childline are reporting a worrying increase in the amount of calls they're getting from abused children.
It wasn't like this when I was a lad.
We didn't have mobile phones.

"Mummy' the window cleaner is at the door. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?"

I was teaching my son farmyard Animals the other day!
What noise does a sheep make?
''Baaaaahh''
What noise does a cow make?
"mooooo""
What noise does a pig make?
''I set fire, to the rain''
Good Lad

I really need to do something about my pimple problems.
I fell asleep at the library the other day and woke up only to find a blind guy reading my face.

I am the happiest father in the world!
Even after my pregnant wife was attacked by a gang of muggers,
the doctors said that our little girl was still born.

My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy.
We now have a little baby ghost.

Christmas was ruined for the kids last year with Nan dying suddenly like that.
We relied on her for their bigger presents.

I was out recruiting for the nursery school I work at today.
A woman came up to me and said, "Hi, can you put my daughter down please?"
"What's her name?" I replied.
"Never mind that," She said. "Just put her down and don't touch her again.

My 20 year old son complained that I never let him grow up.
He's a beaker half empty kind of guy.

People get all up in arms about priests having relations with young boys, but give them a break.
Those guys almost never get to party.

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the house.The wife makes us stand outside in the cold.And she wonders why he doesn't like her.

My son said "Dad, Can we play cowboys in the garden?"
I said "Of course we can"
"You haven't seen Brokeback Mountain have you son?" I added, As I got out my rusty sheriff's badge.

I've learned the best way to sooth a crying baby is to not feed it, It'll stop crying...
Eventually

I've just found out that my girlfriends son is not to dissimilar to a blue bottle fly.
Once he flew out of the window the annoying noise stopped.

Has anyone seen those new speeding adverts?
What I don't understand is what that guy takes the dead kid everywhere with him?

The face of a child can say it all.
Especially the mouth part.

I've always been truthful with my son. I don't tell him these lies that other parents use all the time.
He has always known that Father Christmas isn't real, he knows that too much T.V. does not make your eyes square and he knows he is the reason why me and his mother fell out of love and got a divorce.

My wife told me that she would hate to see any harm come to our children.
I said, "That's why I wait 'til you're at work."

What is the difference between The Proclaimers and Maddie McCann?
We haven't seen The Proclaimers for a while but they're most likely still alive.

Apparently, "Hi, I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic" doesn't go down that well when you're introducing yourself to other parents...
...when they drop off their kid for a sleepover.

My daughter told me that there is a monster who lives in her wardrobe at night.
I told her "Don't be silly, that's just daddy watching you slee... Yes there is... A big one."

I was called in to see my son's Headmaster today.
I said, "What's he been up to?"
"He tried to burn down the main building." He replied.
I said, "You're lucky, he succeeded at his two previous schools."

I see that they still can't serve sandwiches at Dunblane school.
Evidently it still upsets them when their asked how many rounds they want!