Parents, struggling in the current climate and sick of your kids bugging you for things?
Save 3 a week by making your Phones ringtone the same as your local Ice cream vans melody.

Children should be seen but not heard.
Which is why I've bought a ball-gag.

My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.
My wife however, wants to keep it forever.

I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day.
I was so thankful my older brother told me in time.

So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks.
If that had happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, "Cooool, a lock in!"

I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze.
I said bless you, and five seconds later, I heard a very hesitant...."God??."

Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young children changing.
I apologised for the confusion and left.
After a few minutes...

I'm a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even wipe their mouths.
I love my ice-cream van.

I'm not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground. I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me.
So I just picked up my kids and left.

People always give me a funny look when I refer to my son as Thingamajig.
But I had to give him a name I could remember.

My son decided he wanted to leave home this morning and when my wife got in from work she started blaming my drinking as usual. I said, " I know it was me that left the door open but he'll be back. He's got nursery tomorrow and he likes that"

Its the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Just another excuse for the kids' absence from school

What do children and dreams have in common?
If you follow them both for too long, people become suspicious.

My son drank a bottle of bleach earlier.
On the plus side, at least now I will have a nice clean toilet.

If there are children in need they should send them to my place.
I've got a large donation I need to make.

I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I could tell my parents hated me.
When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other kids were skating.

I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children

Three Jelly tots and four down syndrome kids, let the game commence.

My wife told me today that I'm going to be a father for the very first time.
The sad news is, I've already got two children.

My wife said, "I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn't it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?"
"Great idea," I said, getting the camera.
I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face....
.....seconds before the waste disposal kicked in.

My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin.
If I don't sell enough of it then she doesn't get fed.

Breaking news: Gospel music group, The Priests are supposedly taking longer than expected in the studio finishing of an EP featuring covers of several MGMT songs.
The problem seems to be that they keep tampering with 'Kids'

It's pretty tense when you take your new girlfriend to the cinema and she gets I.D'd for Harry Potter..