Parents, struggling in the current climate and sick of your kids bugging you for things?
Save 3 a week by making your Phones ringtone the same as your local Ice cream vans melody.

Children should be seen but not heard.
Which is why I've bought a ball-gag.

My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.
My wife however, wants to keep it forever.

I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day.
I was so thankful my older brother told me in time.

So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks.
If that had happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, "Cooool, a lock in!"

I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze.
I said bless you, and five seconds later, I heard a very hesitant...."God??."

Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young children changing.
I apologised for the confusion and left.
After a few minutes...

I'm a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even wipe their mouths.
I love my ice-cream van.

I'm not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground. I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me.
So I just picked up my kids and left.

People always give me a funny look when I refer to my son as Thingamajig.
But I had to give him a name I could remember.

My son decided he wanted to leave home this morning and when my wife got in from work she started blaming my drinking as usual. I said, " I know it was me that left the door open but he'll be back. He's got nursery tomorrow and he likes that"

Its the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Just another excuse for the kids' absence from school

What do children and dreams have in common?
If you follow them both for too long, people become suspicious.

My son drank a bottle of bleach earlier.
On the plus side, at least now I will have a nice clean toilet.

My wife said, "I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn't it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?"
"Great idea," I said, getting the camera.
I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face....
.....seconds before the waste disposal kicked in.

My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin.
If I don't sell enough of it then she doesn't get fed.

Breaking news: Gospel music group, The Priests are supposedly taking longer than expected in the studio finishing of an EP featuring covers of several MGMT songs.
The problem seems to be that they keep tampering with 'Kids'

It's pretty tense when you take your new girlfriend to the cinema and she gets I.D'd for Harry Potter..

I found out earlier that dead babies are being grounded up into a powdered tablet in China and being sold abroad as 'stamina tablets', each one containing about 99.7% human.
I had never been so disgusted and outraged in all of my life, i've already taken 5 and I feel no different.

An old man on a porch asks a boy dragging a chain down the street,
"Why are you pulling that chain?"
The boy replies,
"You ever try to push one?"

Those children in Africa think they are poor?
When I was a kid, I didn't have enough money to buy a memory card for my Playstation 1.

A friend of mine was having trouble naming her twin boys, she asked for my opinion so I advised her to go with what her gut was telling her.
She went with Egg and Chips.

Well I can safely say that 3 of my money is going to the poverty stricken kids in Africa tonight...
I bought a top in Primark.

"Schoolchildren injured after bus crashes on way to Alton Towers"
That's now my day out sorted. At least the queue for Nemesis will be shorter.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home
And this little piggy was the result of being bred in Norfolk