For some cheap entertainment after Christmas feed your sister's Tiny Tears doll some Ribena.
Then sit back and relax as the doll begins to resemble something out of the apocalypse.

What's funnier than dropping a baby out of a window?
Dropping it off of the roof.

My five-year old son went down a helter-skelter the other day, laughing as he went.
"What a twisted sense of humour" I thought.

My daughter confessed that she had recently been sneaking out of the house at night to meet up with her friends.
"It's just so easy to sneak out," she said jokingly, "you need to at least make it a challenge."
"Alright," I said, playing along, "but only cause it's you."
Then I hack-sawed her legs off.

If there are children in need they should send them to my place.
I've got a large donation I need to make.

I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I could tell my parents hated me.
When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other kids were skating.

I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children

Three Jelly tots and four down syndrome kids, let the game commence.

My wife told me today that I'm going to be a father for the very first time.
The sad news is, I've already got two children.

Bought that new Lynx Bullet today.
Turns out that it doesn't have the same effect on kids :(

Just had one of those landmark father son moments yup had to show him how to delete browser history

After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old, white and lives in Bradford.

The most fun time of my day is playing with my son at bathtime.
But now he's ten it's hard for both of us to fit in.

When asked "What would be your dream job once leaving school?" in a recent poll, 99% of 11-16 year olds wrote:
"My dreem is too wurk in a sweat shop!"
Say what you like about the kids of today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!

How can you tell when the school kids are on holiday ?
Because this site is now on a 6 week shut down !!!

I dropped my kids of at their babysitters yesterday before I went to work and she asked me, "When do you want them back."
I replied, "When they're earning."

I was texting a mate when from nowhere I got hit by a car, just when I realised what was happening a fire engine flew past me and missed my head by inches.
I gave my son a right slap, how dare he throw toys out of his pram.

Be nice to your kids.
You never know, you might need a kidney one day.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a fireman.
Turns out I just enjoy breaking down doors with an axe.

Today has been a dark day for me, I have been told I cannot have any children..
Apparently, no amount of begging at the orpanage door is going to make them change their minds...

What noise does a baby make in a microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

I was walking down the road the other day when I saw my old school pal, Mike Kelly.
I ran over and jumped on him knocking him to the ground and gave him a wedgy like I use to do back in the school days.
Then I thought to myself, "shouldn't he have got older too"?

Turns out I have raised my 15 year old son really well, whenever I got to empty the bin in his room, he runs to the bin and says "don't worry! I'll do it"
What a lovely son.