Two Girls One Cup. Some may call it sick, I just call it a good way to teach kids to share.

What did Michael Jackson & Santa have in common?
They both left kids bedrooms with their sacks empty...

I love dog owners. Always happy to let you have a good old stroke of their beautiful dogs when you ask.
Can't say the same for parents, mind...

The other day I was in the process of buying a pair of nike shoes, when a man came upto me and said:
"Are you sure you want to buy a product that a small indian child was forced to make for the equivalent of 5p?"
I replied:
"Somebody has to employ them."

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came around to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told his uncle to give him a addition question, so the uncle asked "What is 3 plus 4?" The little boy counts it on his fingers and says "Seven" The uncle said , "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your fingers because some day when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the boy puts his hands in his pockets and the uncles says "Now what five plus five?" The uncle seen movement in the boys pockets, then the boy answered, "Eleven"

My baby nephew has been really whingy and whiney since he got rubber on his arm from the tread making machine at the michelin factory tour.
He's just tired.

BBC NEWS HEADLINE: 'Sterling hits 19 month euro high'
So what your saying is, Old man hits druggy baby.

'Children need to see disabled people on TV to get over their fear' says one-armed presenter Cerrie Burnell.
On the other hand... oh wait.

My 5 year old son just invented a brilliant reusable tissue!
He calls it his tongue.

After a long and costly legal battle, I found out you're unlikely to be granted custody if they're not your children to begin with.

Today, my 4-year old son came running in to the kitchen, yelling: "I want to be a ninja when I grow up!"
Can't wait to tell him he's a dwarf

My kids loved it when I threw them down the waterslide.
They weren't so keen on the landslide!

Kids.
If you can't beat them, don't have them.

I sat down with my young son today to introduce him to news programmes, you know educate him from an early age. The bright colours and the simple language are really useful for him.
I'm glad we have programmes like ITV news for our kids.

I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby?

The word paedophile literally translates to 'Child Enthusiast.' Over enthusiastic much?

Yay so Santa came during the night... just wish I had a tissue to whip it off though.

A man being in a kitchen is like a necrophile in a nursery,
it just isn't right.

I thought I was the coolest kid when I was younger because everyone dressed like me.
Until I realised school uniform was mandatory.

The wife and I have different opinions on parenthood:
I wanted to have a baby for 5 years...
but she wants to keep it forever

There was a familiar wake up call at 6.30 this morning.
"DADDY. I done a toilet. Can you wipe me?"
It was so cute.
"I'll do it this one last time, but you're a big boy now and you must learn to do this yourself. Wow! Somebody has a messy bot bot"
"Cut the chit chat Dad or I'll be late for work", I said

I don't see what the problem is with these health warnings about children and plastic bags.
I gave one to my son this morning, he's been quiet for hours now.

I thought it would be hilarious naming my kids Frank and Stein, just to see the look on people's faces when they ask if I have children.
And I was right. It is.
I mean, what sort of name is Stein anyway?

My girlfriend told me last night that she thinks it's time for us to start thinking about children....... Ive been doing that for years, Im glad she's on board.

Last night, before my son went to bed, he was telling me how much he hates his teacher.
He was saying things like, "He's an idiot" or "he's out to get me".
This is the last thing I wanted to hear, as he is home schooled.