Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings

I spent all day making a mug, but when I went to pick it up, half of it fell off!
I didn't handle it very well.

My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails.
She doesn't want to visit the abattoir again.

I saw a Birthday badge that says "I am 2" on the front.
On the back, however, the warning label says "This object is not suitable for children 3 and under."

Baby sitting for your friends kids is just like having a hire car.
You abuse them as much as you want, then hand them back.

My belief in Santa Claus is starting to get severely tested.
For three years my children haven't received any presents for Christmas, and I know for a fact that they've not been particularly naughty.

The other day I came home from work and my girlfriend was waiting for me in the kitchen.
She told me that she felt she was ready to take the next step in our relationship.
"Twins?" I asked with high hopes. She nodded in reply.
"Great!" I said, "I know an Asian pair who will definitely be game."
Apparently she meant she wanted kids...

My daughter told me this morning that when she was older she wanted to be a businesswoman and run a chocolate factory.
Aren't kids adorable! Of course I was honest and explained to her there is no such word as 'businesswoman'.

Am I the only one alarmed that Santa breaks into my house undetected, Drinks my Jack Daniels, Eats all my mince pies and to top it all off, Watchs my children 24/7?

"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it..."

Even though I'm a cub scout leader, I'm still nervous around kids.
But when we all dressed up as Red Indians the other day I did feel a little brave.

I was telling my mate I grounded our baby for screaming so much and he said, "How can you ground a baby?"
"With a mortar and pestle." I replied.

My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night.
I like to call him alcopop

I don't believe in smacking my kids.
I find that pointing a gun at them accomplishes the same thing.

After coming home from a school trip to the cinema, I had the following conversation with my wife:
"I got a Woody from watching Toy Story 3 today."
"Oh really dear? Give it to the kids."
So, that your honour, is the reason why my wife is an accomplice.

I was on the phone to my brother when I gave it to my 5yr old son.
After a minute of silence I took the phone back, apologised for my sons shyness and said my goodbyes.
Then I turned to my son and said, "Why didn't you speak to your uncle Terry, son?"
He said, "Because he's always told me that he'd kill me if I ever said anything."

After a particularly bad parents evening, the teacher said the problem must stem from home.
She even went so far as to ask if i loved my daughter.
Apparently 'often' was the wrong answer.

BBC News: "Are you a parent that struggles to help your children with their homework, We have ways to make it easier for you."
Yeah, don't have a kid at 16.

I spotted a lonely boy in the park. Being the nice
person that I am, I played basketball with him.
My fun ended when he got stuck in the hoop.

BBC News: 'Parenting style strongly affects drinking'
That's odd - because I find drinking strongly affects my parenting style...

I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this pub.

My wife was saying 'I don't care what you say. There's no pain in the world as bad as childbirth'
Anyway you will be glad to know she now knows better. Sorry make that knew better.

I was explaining to my daughter that hamsters don't live forever and that when Harry's time comes, she could invite her friends round and have sandwiches, jelly and ice cream to celebrate his life.
She asked, "Dad, can we kill him now?"

My daughter brought a boy home the other day, and I wasn't impressed
I didn't hesitate to tell everyone present what I thought of him.
She started crying, but that was probably just a side effect of the stressful birth.

I saw a disabled kid struggling to get going on the swings because he had no legs, so I gave him a push.
Then put my kid on the swing.