I'm guessing the next idiot child will be killed by an electric fence.

A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, "Dad, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard."
His dad replies, "Oh, no wonder I didn't hear him!"

My 7 year old son wet himself this morning and all I said was "Urine trouble?" and he wet himself again.
Now that's power.

It's really difficult finding things to do with the kids during the holidays.
My eldest wanted to go and see Cars and the youngest wanted to go to the park.
We've had to compromise, so we're in Asda's carpark.

However sad you feel... Just remember that, somewhere in the world, a fat kid has just dropped his ice-cream

Christmas has come early to my house.
My daughter has just invited her school pals round for a pyjama party.

After setting the orphanage on fire, I stood back and watched the kids clawing and scrambling to get out the front door, pushing, shoving, even trampling over one another.
Children can be so cruel.

If I had a penny for every time I did a days work..
...I'd be an Indian child.

The other day, my baby was crawling along the floor, stopped, thought for a bit, staggered uneasily to his feet, then shakily walked across the room looking pleased with himself. My missus was elated, showering him with praise and affection.
Why is it, when I do the same thing after coming back from the pub at 3 in the morning, I just get a slap?

I was supposed to be Godfather for my mates newborn, but putting a horses head in his cot wasn't what my mate expected.

BBC News: Light drinking 'no risk to baby'
Really.... Well when social services caught me feeding my 2 month old son Jack Daniels they said something entirely different.

My son turned round earlier and said I'm the most uncool dad on the planet.
I've spent the last two hours trying to think of a groovy response.

Since Sickipedia is now been over run by kids, can I be the first to say,
Do any of you want to see my puppies?

What's worse than finding white stains inside the front of your son's underwear?
Finding them on the back.

Childline really needs to be renamed.....
I rang them and ordered 3 but instead a van full of Police officers turned up???

Is it just me, or does the story of The Pied Piper seem a lot more sinister now than when you read it as a kid?

I was invited round by my long term girlfriend to meet her parents.
All was going well, they seemed to like me, then they asked the killer question "Are you planning on having kids." I replied "Dont be silly you can't have children the way we do it"
I am now single.

My friend has had her kids taken away after social services said she isn't a fit mother.
Personally, I reckon she's bang tidy.

It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid.
At meal times I was always told off for speaking with my hands full.

I was a lovely baby. My parents used to fake my kidnapping just to see my pictures in the papers

I would like to thank the designers of my house for putting the plug sockets at a height that a child of eight months could easily put his fingers into and die from an electric shock.
Seriously... thanks. Got my first decent nights sleep in eight months, last night.

Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and tell him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

My son invited his posh friend to his birthday party.
I asked him, "What's your favourite game, Tarquin?"
He said, "Partridge, but I'm partial to grouse in season."

When my boss asked me why I was leaving so early,
"I'm going to pick the kids up before their parents get there," was not the answer I should have given.

I was asked by my local community center to play simon says with the kids. According to the parents Simon does not say take off your clothes.