I had to take my son to the emergency room today after my attempt at teaching him to ride a bike went wrong. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with a Kawasaki Ninja.

I hit my nephew yesterday....
My sister was absolutely hysterical..
but then I was in an Audi and he was playing in the driveway.....

Little kid fell in the hole I dug in my garden, when he hit the bottom there ws a splash from the water below. Couldn't help but think, Oh well.

I don't know if i'm a bit sick; but when you're out shopping, does no one else find it funny when distracted toddlers walk into things...
...like the road

I fed my children some radioactive laxatives the other day....You should have seen their little faeces light up.......

I scored 556 in a cricket match today. I could have scored more, but after nearly 6 hours at the crease my wife insisted I let my son have a bat.

My wife kept telling me I should show my son a bit more affection.
So now I pat it on the head when I get home from work.

I complained to my newsagent that my paperboy is coming earlier every morning.
He's promised me my next one will have more stamina.

Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

I said to my son, "what you doing?"
"Maths homework."
I said, "Give us a question."
"What's the lowest common denominator?"
I said, "You'll never find it, they were looking for that when I was at school."

My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything.
What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy?
It's hard feeding your kids vegetables.

I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television.
They want it but can't have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it.

My neighbours' kids were building a snowman, and asked me for a carrot and two lumps of coal.
The way kids are these days, I suppose it was a bit naive of me to expect that they'd use them for its face.

I tried to begin the magic, by telling my kids just like in the advert on TV...
I peeled back the paper revealing the writing, "We're going to Disneyland...."
They were so excited until I removed it entirely, and it said "...Paris."

My 11yr old son was sent home from school yesterday, accompanied by the police, just for having a little gash on his finger.
Admittedly, it did belong to the headmistress.............

I was fired from my job as a children's magician today...
Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear.

I've never read my daughter's diary.
No kid that sits and writes in a diary is doing anything worth worrying about.

Asians.
If you're good at something there is always an eight year old Asian kid that can do it better.

The Government has decided that cough medicines don't work on children under 12 and are withdrawing them from sale.
I beg to differ, I find it makes them nice and drowsy.

Today I am going to be a dad for the first time.
Neglecting my kids for the last 12 years is probably long enough.

I was never my parents favourite when I was growing up.
Which, considering I'm an only child...

I would like to put forward my nomination for the "Protester Of The Year Award"...
Every weekday morning and afternoon without fail there is a man who stands outside our local school protesting. He dresses himself all in yellow and he holds a small round placard that simply reads "Stop Children"
That to me is dedication to a worthy cause and deserves recognition.

I decided to sponsor a third world child.
As it turns out he was too malnourished to finish the fun run so I didn't pay him.

I was talking with my girlfriend last night when I said that ugly children are terrible and should be kept in a cage.
She didn't take it well at all. She stared at me and angrily said, "Well, what would you do if I gave birth to a child that was ugly?"
I replied, "I'd love it as if it were my own!"

I thought I'd give my children a surprise this Christmas.
So I didn't buy them anything.