TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

Apparently, when your teenage child appears from their room after many hours perfecting their "look", you are not supposed to laugh.

My wife just gave birth to our son, he was six nine and healthy.
I think I'll have to buy him a new cot though, because I didn't expect him to be that tall.

What's the best present to get a dying child?
A dying puppy.

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

A recent survey, carried out in Scotland, proved that the first child to be born in a family is USUALLY the MOST INTELLIGENT child within that particular family.
American researchers (not wanting to be outdone) took this study one step forward and proved that the first child to be born in a family is ALWAYS the ELDEST child within that particular family.

They say that children are our most valuable natural resource.
I agree. In fact, I've already started drilling.

Shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother went out to the hairdressers.
Father stayed home to care for their son, soon the baby started crying.
The father did everything possible to stop the crying, but the baby wouldn't stop.
Worried he took the baby to the doctors.
The Doctor examined the baby's ears, chest then down to the nappy area.
When he undid the nappy, he found the nappy was full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr said, "he needs to be changed."
The father was perplexed," but the nappy packaging says it good for upto 10lbs."

I really hate reading the kids a bedtime story when my wife's too tired to do it. Tonight should be the last time though - I'm reading them the Exorcist.

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

I saw a black couple on the news who had been jailed for beating their child and I thought, "Wow, I'm so glad my parents weren't like that... or I'd be black"

When I have a kid, I'm going to buy one of those prams for twins.
Then put the kid in it, and run around looking frantic.

My son said to me yesterday, "Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that right?"
I replied, "Well, it must be, I've still got mine."

I was watching my son splashing around in the bath this morning.
Unfortunately my wife came in and grabbed him before he drowned.

My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated.
Not as upset as I was, they're leaving a green rash on my thighs.

When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child...
...eventually.

I coach a schoolboy football team. In today's match, and the very last kick of the game, our goalkeeper let the ball through his legs and gave away the goal that cost us the match.
After the game he came over and said, "Sorry, coach, I should have kept my legs shut."
I said, "It's not your fault, Jimmy. It's your mother who should have kept her legs shut."

Want to enjoy your holiday but the kids are too noisy around the pool?
Try putting the armbands on their ankles, it works everytime....

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."

A little boy comes running into the house and says, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?"
His mum replies, "No, of course not."
The little boy runs back outside and yells, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Why did the little girl fall over?
Because I threw a brick at her head!

I'm like a God in my Kid's eyes,
They are told that I created them, but they have never seen me.

My son said, "What's your biggest regret dad?"
I said, "I'm not sure son... Who's taller, you or your brother?"

As I looked at our son, I said to my wife, "It's amazing how much snot you can get up the nose of a one year old."
She said, "Will you stop doing that."

I hurt my back today..
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.