I was in a restaurant this afternoon when to my surprise I spotted Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary, feeding his baby daughter.
"Open wide, here comes the aeroplane! Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr" he said, before shoving the spoon in her ear, claiming it was 'Mouth East', and demanding a 5 bib surcharge.

My 9 year old daughter approached me the other day with THAT question.
"Daddy where do babies come from?"
Not wanting to delude her with stories of Stalks delivering babies i replied:
"Well sweet heart what happened was Daddy made a big mess and your mother sat in it".

Children in Need says 4 million kids are living in poverty and are in need of a hot meal.
Well I cant provide for them all but I can do a few each night.
Solves my need too.

I saw this article on being a good Dad on ParentDish.com, which gave the following advice: "Get into slinging the baby, then you can go for wonderful walks while we rest (and you'll be the centre of attention at the playground too)."
So I did this, and now apparently I'm "no better than BabyP's parents"

Every time my partner and I make love is like the first time.
Of course for them it usually is.

My kids are riveted to the TV at the moment.
And if that doesn't work, I've got a welding kit waiting in the garage.

I asked my son today what he wanted to be when he grows up. He says he wants to be a fireman. I asked him if he had an urge to help people and save lives but he replied ''no Daddy, I just like watching people burn to death''. He is such a character.

I've been teaching my little girl to ride a bike, Today I took the stabilisers off.
She sped along the pavement, clipped the neighbours car, went straight through our hedge and hit the garage door.
I thought it was a disaster but the wife called it a successful parking manoeuvre.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I had a few games of rock, paper, scissors with son today.
He's so easy to beat...
I banned him from playing with sharp objects.

"But daddy, isn't this wrong"
"No, all the girls your age do this with their dads. Now get on this and ride like you have never ridden before...... And if you can't I'll put your stabilisers back on."

If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I'll explain to them about democracy. I'll say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to have fun and what t.v. channel.
Once they're excited that they'll be able to always take the majority I'll point out they're not old enough to vote.

I couldn't be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at school today, so just told him to take the laptop with him.
"How's that dressing up?" my son asked.
"Easy, just tell them your a pirate" I replied.

You're never in the right with kids.
First the daughter insisted that I sent the dog out.
Now the son wants me to let mummy back in.

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.
My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet

I have a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation.
So if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didnt seem impressed when we turned up at a childrens swimming pool.

I lost my kids in the middle of a shopping centre.
The chain obviously wasn't secure enough.

I'll be watching a few horrors this Halloween.
My wife prefers I call them 'our children'.

When anyone ask me to watch their children, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk."
Gets me out of it every time.

What's the difference between a baby and methylamphetamine?
One can cause adrenal fatigue. The other is a stimulant drug.

i was relieving stress by taking down some targets at the firing range....
.....when suddenly the swat team broke down the front door of the school .

I suppose I should be happy that I am going to be a father to an a new baby boy. But I am really going to miss all them hours standing outside school gates.

I was woken up this morning by the neighbours little boy kicking a football against the wall. I told him to stop that and come back to bed.

'Knock Knock'.
"Will you leave your grandmother alone, have a little respect for the dead."