I'll be watching a few horrors this Halloween.
My wife prefers I call them 'our children'.

I lost my kids in the middle of a shopping centre.
The chain obviously wasn't secure enough.

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didnt seem impressed when we turned up at a childrens swimming pool.

Did you know if you left a childs teeth in a bowl of coca cola overnight
they would drown

That difficult moment when you're on holiday and you haven't quite got enough money for the last few days of the trip. That difficult choice,
which one of my children can I leave in the apartment?

It was a waste of money buying my newborn son a mobile phone.
Every time I call, the babysitter says "He can't speak to you at the moment."

The new campaign for the NSPCC is called:
"Change For Children"
I'll give them 50p to wash my car and a pound if they mow my lawn as well.

There's nothing quite like impressing the ladies like heading to the local park and kicking little kids in the chest while yelling "THIS IS SPARTA" while performing a heroic pose on top of their bodies.

I'm not sayin my wife is ugly but when she just opened the door to trick or treaters, they gave HER sweets!

Kids are funny. My eleven year old has been quite happy to come home from school by himself, and be alone in the house for an hour or so until me or the wife finish work.
But as soon as I mentioned the double murder that took place before we bought it, all of a sudden he starts to wet himself.

I'm going to call my new-born son "Names", so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's older.

News: Harper Seven Beckham is a "mixture" of her parents David and Victoria Beckham.
Ok someone finally found a use for their GCSE Biology.

"Well, I'm not so sure..." I hesitantly admitted.
"Please, think of the children otherwise doomed to grow up in poverty!" he pleaded.
Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion.

I was carrying bags of shopping home with the kids today, then I dropped one.
Luckily the shopping is alright, but my son has got a fractured arm.

As I slowly slipped my index finger into my daughters ring she started screaming "please daddy no, stop it, I hate you. That's it I'm telling mummy."
"Oh Jessica please don't tell your mum, I won't do it again, I'm so sorry..... I'll buy you another packet Haribo rings.

I was with the wife earlier at Toys R Us , and she decided to pick up one of those Hula Hoops and give it a whirl.
I'm not saying she's fat but a little Boy who was playing with a Telescope nearby said "Look Mum, i can see Saturn".

Just been announced on the radio that girls as young as 13 are being encouraged to buy the contraceptive pill over the counter!
That should cut down my future CSA payments.

I want my children to have all the things i couldn't afford.
Then I'll move back in with them.

My wife said that our kids are like little cartoon characters, loud, cute & funny
Given that, you wouldn't believe the fuss she makes when i hit them in the face with a frying pan.

My son's school project involved him collecting 30 leaves from different trees and bushes.
'I really should have put a lock on my greenhouse.' I thought, as I sat in the back of the police van.

Contrary to what the experts say, I've always found that if I leave my kids alone they're generally quite well behaved.
Especially when I leave them alone on the central reservation of the M1

My daughter came up to me the other day and said, 'Dad, can I have a new pair of trainers?'
I said, 'You're twelve. Go to Taiwan and make some.'

I got arrested for pulling a little girls knickers down, putting her over my knee and spanking her bottom for misbehaving yesterday.
Apparently I am not allowed to do this to someone else's child in ASDA

There's a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted children. They're basically nurofen disguised as smarties.

I got my windows reinforced yesterday.
Now the kids can't hear the ice cream van.