My kids are like my jokes.
Everytime I have a new one, it gets removed.

Some teenagers standing outside the offfie asked me to buy them some booze this evening.
They weren't impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums.

I made a glue cake for the children's party today just so I could say the immortal words.
"OK kids, get stuck in"

Two of the worlds most searched for people were found in their own homes..
Has anyone checked the McCann household

Whenever I see those weekend dads, pushing some screaming brat about in McDonalds, face like thunder, I really wonder how many times they think to themselves...
Was all this really worth 5 or 6 seconds of pleasure?

Paddy's wife just gave birth to twins
"Congratulations, do twins run in the family?"
Paddy replies "Course they funckin' can't they can't even walk yet"

Separating children by academic ability is cruel....
It always ends in tiers.

My children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning.
Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids.

Through this sorry sordid affair, let us not forget that John Terry has children and it's them that I feel sorry for.
Imagine growing up knowing you've inherit his looks.

BBC NEWS "All baby deaths must be probed"
Can like anyone probe the dead babies?
If so, I call dibs!

Auditions for the lead role in peter pan have started today, I think ladbrooks odds of 1,000,000/1 for Gary Glitter might be worth a go

Girls are like buses.
I never catch them after the chase.

This is how they describe the characteristics of a psychopath.
"A pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of empathy or remorse, shallow emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or recklessness."
Now...Doesn't that sound like everybody's kids at some point...

My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw money at them.
You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between ones eyes if executed correctly from 2 metres.

I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And suddenly I'm the bad guy?

Teacher: What does a cat say?
Little Jonny: It says your 40, single, and desperate for any kind of contact miss

I must say - that little bird Abbie Branning in EastEnders is really starting to look rather....................too old for me.

I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a 'badum' sound when I hit him.
So later I ran over a child carrying a cymbal.

In the news :
Rupert Grint has revealed that he has become "obsessed" with his ice-cream van.
"I drive it everyday. I get kids queueing up outside whenever I stop."
THATS how gingers attempt to lure friends , or should we be more worried it's kids he's luring?

Children in America are so bad at Geography that they only know where a Country is in the World when they get Attacked by them.

It is believed that in last decade, more than 2 million children have died as a direct result of armed conflict.
Which proves that war isn't entirely pointless.

I think i am going to name my newborn son Dubstep so it will be okay to drop him.

What a day.
I took our newborn son into one of those baby-changing rooms at the shopping centre.
I came out with Harvey Price.
I took him back in and came out with a little Chinese girl.
She'll have to do.
I think the wife wanted a daughter anyway.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

There were problems when my baby son was delivered,
We were out so they took him round the neighbours, we had to wait all day to collect him.