I told my colleague at work earlier that I was concerned about my son after I caught him playing with Barbies.
"Is it really such a big problem? I'm sure he'll grow out of it" he said.
"I doubt it" I replied, "He's 36."

Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts
and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit cuts got to do with anything?

I'm expecting a baby, if it doesn't get here within half an hour I eat for free.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

There were problems when my baby son was delivered,
We were out so they took him round the neighbours, we had to wait all day to collect him.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'. That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

I was shocked when I received the phone call...During 'Show and Tell' at school my daughter had revealed bruises all up her arms.
Thought I'd made it very clear daddy would hurt mummy if she ever told anyone.

When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that rain drops were the tears of god, you could imagine the look on her face when I asked her what snow was.

My kids love the adventure playground. It keeps them amused for hours.
One day I might even let them have a go, instead of making them watch from their bedroom window.

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg.

My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.
'Ugh disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.'
'Where will we get it?' she replied
'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'

If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.

my wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath.... i did. .... he drowned

MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, "i hope your kids like dry cereal because i've just knicked your milk"

My friend once said to me "You can't choose your parents."
In response I just said "Well, they chose you, seeing as you're adopted."
Oh how we laughed.

My parents hated me when I was a child.
So much so, they got other kids to be in our home movies.

I met a mother and her son in the park today, we got chatting and I said "do you like impression's?"
"of course who doesn't?" she replied,
So I kicked her in the face and ran away with her son!
I left a lasting impression I think...

I've always known that my parents always wanted the best for me.
The carrier bag i was abandoned in as a baby was from Waitrose.

i was playing with my son earlier............when i thought 'i wonder if this is going to cause him any emotional insecurities later on in life'

Continues to be amazed at how quickly the human population is growing. As I see the count rise above 7 billion people, I can't help but feel the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more difficult.

I hate it when I see parents forcing their kids to have the same hobbies and interests as them from an early age.
I'm going to let my son Obi Wan make his mind up once he's old enough to decide for himself.

even though i have grown up, i'm still into the same type of girls i was back when i was in primary school,
blonde,
blue eyes,
slim,
five...

my pregnant wife asked me how i'd feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and twiddling my fingers saying "like that" wasnt the answer she was looking for

Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra quiet electric driving.
So the children cant hear you coming