So... anoyone else notice how Prince Charming said Cinderella was the love of his life yet he had to check every woman in the kingdoms shoe size to clarify who she was.....

I told my colleague at work earlier that I was concerned about my son after I caught him playing with Barbies.
"Is it really such a big problem? I'm sure he'll grow out of it" he said.
"I doubt it" I replied, "He's 36."

Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts
and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit cuts got to do with anything?

I'm expecting a baby, if it doesn't get here within half an hour I eat for free.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

There were problems when my baby son was delivered,
We were out so they took him round the neighbours, we had to wait all day to collect him.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'. That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

I was shocked when I received the phone call...During 'Show and Tell' at school my daughter had revealed bruises all up her arms.
Thought I'd made it very clear daddy would hurt mummy if she ever told anyone.

When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that rain drops were the tears of god, you could imagine the look on her face when I asked her what snow was.

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg.

I've always known that my parents always wanted the best for me.
The carrier bag i was abandoned in as a baby was from Waitrose.

I met a mother and her son in the park today, we got chatting and I said "do you like impression's?"
"of course who doesn't?" she replied,
So I kicked her in the face and ran away with her son!
I left a lasting impression I think...

My parents hated me when I was a child.
So much so, they got other kids to be in our home movies.

My friend once said to me "You can't choose your parents."
In response I just said "Well, they chose you, seeing as you're adopted."
Oh how we laughed.

I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, "i hope your kids like dry cereal because i've just knicked your milk"

my wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath.... i did. .... he drowned

If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.

My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.
'Ugh disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.'
'Where will we get it?' she replied
'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'

MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra quiet electric driving.
So the children cant hear you coming

I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor.. Then I realised entering him was enough

With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the last laugh in a few years time.

I saw a headline today that said "Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile."
GOOD. We didn't want them in the gene pool anyway.

Children are like rules,
Made to be broken.

Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something wrong or am I just rubbish in bed?