my pregnant wife asked me how i'd feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and twiddling my fingers saying "like that" wasnt the answer she was looking for

Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra quiet electric driving.
So the children cant hear you coming

I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor.. Then I realised entering him was enough

With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the last laugh in a few years time.

Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something wrong or am I just rubbish in bed?

What's the difference between brussel sprouts and snot?
You'll never surprise your kids eating their brussel sprouts.

Children are like rules,
Made to be broken.

I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young son. I said to him, "You having a good time son?"
He replied, "Yeah Dad, but you were wrong. I've counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards."

New dad Elton John 'expects prejudice'
...Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now

As a film fanatic, I see movies in much the same way as I see my children.
In the cinema, every other weekend.

just got back from the hospital after having identicle twins. how am i supposed to pick a favourate now?

Two babies are in a pram together.
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?" the boy asked.
"I don't know" the other baby replied.
"Let me check" the boy giggled.
So the boy went under the covers and came back up after several minutes.
"Your a girl!" the baby proclaimed
"Your so clever, how did you figure it out?"
"Its quite easy", the boy explained, "You have pink socks!"

Me and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son.
She wants to name him after his proud father, but I'd much rather name him after me.

Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney.

My 3 year old daughter is like a slinky,
Of no real use but fun to watch falling downstairs.

Due to a lack of funding, the ISPCC can only respond to half the problems faced by children...
So basically, i have a 50-50 chance of getting away with it?

I've just bought a car with child locks.
Now I have to wait for my son to open the door every time I want to go somewhere.

Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap children and hold them hostage.
He was horrified, "How do you sleep at night?"
I replied, "On a pile of ransom money, thanks."

I've just seen an app on the app store called cooking with children!
Sounds awesome but where do I get the kids from?

I saved a fortune on a magician for my daughters birthday party.
I told her he was wearing an invisibility cloak.

I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight.
"She will never fit into her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10" said Posh.

My wife and I recently decided to make a will.
Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with and we thought will was a nice name.

I was in Asda today and saw a mother struggle to smack her out of control child.
So I politely asked her if she wants me to hold her basket, so she could use both hands.

I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog.
Which is why i've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping

When I was a kid, if I was ever naughty my mother would yell, "Just you wait untill your father gets back!"
She knew it would upset me, because I knew and she knew he was never coming back.