Remember days before computers?
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
You just hoped no one ever found out!

Windows: "You may be the victim of software counterfeiting..."
Me: no Microsoft, it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I.

Why is there so much "i" everything?
iPod, iPad, iPhone etc...
One day my children might grow up to think that an idea is some form of digital antelope.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define 'great' he said, ''I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!''
He got a job with Microsoft, writing error messages!

Why are Facebook status updates like a Polish builder's toolkit?
All the good ones have been stolen from another site.

I'm useless with computers! I'm such a techno-numpty! I only have to touch the things and they break!
Well, not really. But you've got to lie on your CV a bit to have a chance of getting in at PC World.

I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet.
It's got 28 letters.

Customer: I'm running Windows Vista...
Helpdesk: Yes...
Customer: And my computer isn't working!
Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024x768.

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.
Definitely time for a new keyboard.

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7.
I call it: Windows 98.

I've just upgraded to Sky HD.
I'm impressed.
The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear.

Microsoft's new Windows advert talks about life without walls...
Surely life without walls is a Window's worst nightmare.

"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"
Sony 16:9

I can't believe all the singles in my area want to meet me,
probably because of all the iPads I've won.

It's a good job Apple isn't in charge of New Year.
We'd all be expecting 2012 and get 2011S instead.

Just bought an iPod Touch. It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls.
No, wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka.

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a PDA but you'd swap them all for a working lightsaber.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows.

I heard yesterday that there's talk amongst computer companies to increase the size of a byte by one-eighth.
I'd say that's a bit too much.

Amazon Kindle App: "Buy Now, Read Everywhere"
Y'know what else you can buy now and read everywhere? A book.