What is a cloak?
The mating call of a Chinese toad.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I have two pet hates.
Much more fun than having a cat or a dog

The word "salary" comes from the latin word for salt as salt was often used to pay workers.
That explains why I have to drink so much when I get mine.

Morning sickness
The feeling when waking up after a night out and rolling over to discover exactly what hippo, elephant or whale it was you unashamedly ploughed for 30 seconds.

My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said "The earth, together with all of its countries, peoples, and natural features"
It meant the world to me.

Definition of a Yorkshire man,
A Scots man with all the generosity squeezed out of him!

Definition of contradiction! As seen on teletext,
Healthy people are dying of swine flu.

Irony: Soldiers playing "Risk" in Afghanistan.

What's the definition of irritating?
**Complete this quick online survey to unlock the answer!**

What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women?
A plimp

Football: Americans no good at it,invented their own version that no other country plays thus they cant be beaten at it!

The REAL definition of irony.
God giving women wisdom teeth.

I asked my mate ''What does confidential mean?''
''It's secret, keeping it to myself.'' He replied.
''I only asked you a question, you dont have to be like that.''

Awkward:
when someone stops you in the street for directions an you end up walking the same way next to each other

The definition of fear...waking from having your tooth filled to find kneeprints on the armrests of the dentist's chair.

Midgets.
So that even Dwarfs can feel useful

My wife said I'm, "awfully pedantic" the other day.
"The 'awfully' part isn't really necessary", I said.

Free press:
When your mum irons your trousers for you.

I looked up "redirect" in the dictionary.
It read, "See divert".

I was watching this video where these black blokes were using a park to work out,
..it brought a new meaning to "monkey bars".

I don't trust dictionaries.
Nothing should have the power to define it's own existence.

Pencils: for people who plan on making mistakes.

Gastronomy is the science of using a telescope to watch fat people eating.

What would you call the definition of surprise?
Answer: A fart with a lump in it.