Enjoying my morning glory this morning when my mum walked in and said 'dont u think its time to get up',i think i gave the wrong answer when i looked at her all seductively and replied 'im already up darling'..........

I now know the feeling of having mixed emotions....
My Dad just informed me, he has Cancer and "it's heriditory."....
My Mum then tells me "he's not your Father!"

The definition of false economy:
I spent thirty quid on oysters to get my girlfriend in the mood to swallow the same thing for nothing.

I'm having difficulty finding motivation...
but it must be in this dictionary somewhere.

Intermittent: (adj)
Where I went when it started to rain on my camping holiday.

Rubbish - The stuff you throw away.
Stuff - The rubbish you keep.

I finally took my daughter's advice and read the dictionary today, apparently no really does mean no.

Some really confident people say, 'Nothing is impossible'
They clearly have not tried to staple water to a tree!

What's the definition of strain?
Bite marks on the toilet door...

A badly timed high five is just a slap in the face.

Ethnic Cleansing..... Not to be confused with a showering black person.

A book containing the meaning of 800,000 words has been completed by students and professors at a university in Glasgow.
They stopped after one of them found out the meaning of the word "pointless".

Algorithm (n) - a vice president's funky dance moves.

The definition of terror - When you message your girlfriend and hear your wifes text tone.

The definition of irony: The one night you don't check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets you while your parents are out eating tapas.
Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman

What's the definition of an office dilemma?
Having a raging hard on concealed only by your desk when suddenly, the fire alarm goes off.

Did you know, if you took all of the obese people from England & all of the obese people from America & put them in one place, that place would be Disneyland.

What word, seven letters long, begins with "n", has "n" in the middle, ends with "n" and stands for constipation?
"nnnnnnn!!"

Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank god it's Friday'.

Definition of Rapping:
Poetry read aggressively by a black man.

Conscience - this silent voice, that tells you somebody could see you...

Arachnoleptic fit - The frantic dance you perform just after you have walked through a spider's web.

Understanding Marketing
You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

Whats the definition of a tree?
Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.