What's the difference between a Leeds girl and an elephant?
Two stone.
How do you make them the same?
Give the elephant a sandbag.

My mate bet me a tenner I couldn't come up with a good Vegetarian joke...
I had a few, but gave him the money there and then.
They were all to Quorny...

I don't know why girls are so touchy about saying how much they weigh, it's not going to stop people seeing how fat they are.

On a whim I named my cat Hamburger Helper. The funny thing was it tasted like chicken.

2nd day of my diet. I've lost 7 pounds.
I'm gutted, I was gonna buy a kebab with that.

Had to think of a gravestone inscription for my wife. I think she would have approved..
"Finally found a diet that seemed to be working"

I'm trying to drop two dress sizes for thr summer.
The wife's up to a 14 now!

The wife has gone on a crash diet...
She dented the car so I knocked her teeth out.

I was out on my first date with a girl from work and she asked "are you more of a cat or dog person"?
'As long as there's some tomato sauce I'll eat anything!' I replied.

"So what do you do?" My new roommate asked me.
"I work with people who have let themselves go in life and to help them find their feet again." I said proudly.
"Oh, wow!" Said my new roommate. "That must be very rewarding work."
I shrugged. "Just an ordinary day at Weight Watchers."

Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds.
I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their advice.

My psychic girlfriend was a size 20 and sad.
But now she has lost weight to a size 12 and is a happy medium.

These last few weeks, I've been eating healthily and getting a lot of exercise, so I'm going to need some serious retoxing.

I've decided to make money writing dieting books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.

I went on a diet recently, came off drinking and heavy eating.
In fourteen days I've lost exactly two weeks.

I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
"My wife's been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she's lost 5 pounds." the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?" I asked.
"Well," he says "I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"

An American father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son replies, "Diet."

Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement not a challenge

What does a diet and a black man have in common?
They don't work.

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.

I've nearly finished the pills the doctor gave me to stop me from being so greedy.
I want some more.

Earlier today a fat girl said she was uncomfortable with her body,
I'd be uncomfortable too If I had to carry all that weight around.

I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride.
The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories

Started my diet this morning. Already lost 2 pounds.
The coin fell down the side of the car seat and my hands are too fat to squeeze down there.