I took my new girlfriend to the cinema last night, we sat at the back...
There's less chance of people seeing us together.

I came home last night to find my son had thrown a party. The place was trashed.
There was only one punishment that would be sufficient.
So I fingered his mother while we slow danced in the front room.

I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while.

My girlfriend and midwife didn't see the funny side to me wearing my t-shirt with the logo " remember my name you'll be screaming it later" when she whent into labour.

I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up.
It would be nice to be able to piece together my twenties.

I was talking to my mum, ''What about that pretty girl of yours?'' she asks.
''Who, Amber? I said.
''Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of noise coming from upstairs lately.'' she said smiling.
''We broke up a 2 weeks ago mum.'' I said.
''I know!'' she said laughing, ''You've been in your room crying for days you big girl!''

After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an eleven year old girl approached me and said "Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!" I was disgusted.
She should have said "My boyfriend and I are having a baby"