I was explaining to my son that some children could take their parents to court and some couldn't.
After I told him he was one of the ones that couldn't,he asked,"why not daddy?"
"Because,I'll break your legs if you even try."I said.

I said, "I've bought some of that white plastic garden furniture"
My mate said, "Bad idea mate. I've heard of loads of people getting seriously injured when the chairs break"
I said, "I know ... the mother-in-law is coming over for a barbecue this weekend"

Darling I said you remind me of a swan.
My wife replied, because of my beauty and grace?
No love because you're a bit of a fat bird.

When the kids left after coming over to wish me a happy Father's Day,I said to the wife that this had been the best Father's Day yet.
"I'm so happy for you"she said.
"It only cost me 200 quid this year"I told her.

Wife asked me why the PC volume is always at zero when she switches it on in a morning.
"Windows default love," I said. Quite convincingly.

My son was misbehaving in a shop the other day when me and the wife took him shopping, so I slapped him hard across the back of the legs and told him he had been very naughty.
The wife said "You shouldn't do that you know."
"Why not?" I replied, "He's my son."
"Because he's 24."

When my dog does something wrong in the house I rub his face in it... I use the same system for my girlfriend. That's the last time she forgets to clean the oven...

As a young boy, fast, jerking hand movements have helped improve my life a lot.
For example the time I deflected the sauce pan thrown at me by my father.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise?
I'm joking,
She's dead.

Statement: Your son doesn't really take after your side, a bit from his mothers...
Real Meaning: He looks like the milkman.

I'm a big believer in fire safety and often check the smoke alarms in our house. By getting my wife to do the cooking.

I hate going to see Grandma cos she always slips me the tongue when I give her a kiss.
On the plus side though she swallows like a goodun.

Tip for the kids -
When your mum is angry with your dad, dont let her brush your hair!

My wife said to me I wish you'd play with me like you do those video games.
So I shot her in the face with an AK-47.

It was graduation day and my wife wanted to take a picture of my son with me in his cap and gown.
' Stand beside your father and put your arm round his shoulder, ' said my wife, ' I want the picture to look natural. '
' If you want the picture to look natural,tell him to put his hand in my pocket, ' I replied.

I told my family about this website...now none of them are speaking to me.

My wife is that lazy she's been pregnant for 18 months.

When I was a child, we were very poor, so I never had any toys to play with. In fact all I had to play with was a transistor...
Well, my brother in my mum's clothes.

Quasimodo was dancing in a nightclub with this really fit bird when suddenly she noticed a big bulge in his pocket.
"Quasi! You naughty boy! Whats that bulge in your pocket?" The girl purred
"Oh!" Said quasi "its a picture of my dad"

My wife was in the bathroom the other day and shouted, "Ewwww there's a spider!"
I thought to myself, "Has it really been that long?"

Son : daddy I cant stop walking around in circles. Dad : shut up or I ll nail your other foot to the floor.

The banks are like family.
Always there for you, but if you need money
They don't know who you are.

Me and my girlfriend were discussing the things we have in common the other day, it turns out thers quite a lot.
The same colour eyes
We like the same genre of music
We went to the same school
We even found out we have the same dad...

Your sister couldn't wrestle to save her life,
But we have all seen her box.

I came over a bit strange at work today, felt so disoriented I nearly fell off my ladder.
The mother in law must have had a dizzy spell.