I remember as a child going round grandad's house on the weekends to pump iron.
I still think thats a funny name for a dog.

After carrying my daughter Amy out of the burning house I knew I had to go back in.
I fought my way through the flames, kicked the door of the bathroom down and saw my ginger son unconcious in the empty room.
At which point I realised that Amy must have left her Barbie in the car so I went back outside.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night.
I like to call him alcopop

It's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow.
She's only gone and cancelled it

I brought my kids some crayons yesterday...
It was a present to make my kin scrawl.

We may have our differences, but I do sometimes envy the mother-in-law.
She always could grow a moustache faster than me.

The other day the wife said to me "Its obvious women are smarter than men. Think about it! Diamonds are a girls best friend; mans best friend is a dog." to which i replied "lets see a diamond rescue you when your drowning". That wiped the smug look off her face.

I am the youngest of 3 in my family.
My mum and dad are much older than me

Man sells his award winning Doberman Pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied.
It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."
Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. The cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father?" The kid looks up at the cop and replies "I don't know, officer - that's what they're fighting about."

A farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his hairy face, he had his photo taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

My new television has parental control.
I'm going to use it to get my mum to make me a sandwich.

All my Lego figures are violent, alcoholic drug users.
Maybe it's because they come from broken homes.

I went to my girlfriends house for tea yesterday. When she blamed her farts on her Dog I just had to laugh.... I'd just run him over in the drive way!

I had a big row with the wife last night.
She said, "You don't love me anymore full stop!"
I said, "You're wrong - I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!"

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

First, we were hunter gatherers, collecting mushrooms, nuts and berries from the jungle floor.
Then, we became scavengers, eating the remains of the kills of carnivores.
Then, we became hunters and we learned to kill for ourselves with primitive bows and spears.
Then we discovered fire and at last we could cook our food.
...And then my parents separated and I was taken into care!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

I DONT think Im very good in bed. My husband never said anything but after we made love he would take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

My daughter's been really well behaved today after I made her sit on the naughty step yesterday.
Admittedly it was the top step of a twenty foot ladder.

'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?'
'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I am 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

My wife accuses me of being petty and childish.
I said to her, "Your MUM is petty and childish."

Mummy, Mummy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.