Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'' The mother interupts him. ''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!''
When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Jonny and says '' tell daddy exactly what you told me today!''
''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performance as a lover.
The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and chocolates before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Lifes great at the minute, I've got a big house, new sports car, a lovely wife and 3 great kids...
They're not mine of course, but hey, finders keepers...

When my three-year-old son opened a birthday present from his granddad, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I turned to my dad and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
My dad smiled and simply replied, "I most certainly do."

My daughter said she wanted to get loads of piercings, so to save on money I made her bath the cat.

My dad gave me some great advice when I was younger. When I was 14, he sat me down, said, "Someday you're going to meet a girl who's going to be so right and so wonderful and so perfect that you're not even going to haggle over the price."

I was just about to head off to the shop one day when my gran asked for some plums.
Being the polite young man I am, I proceeded to teabag her.

"Mummy, Mummy, can't we give Jane's baby a proper funeral?"
"Shut up and keep flushing!"

I remember when I was a kid, I was at a family dinner.
There was this huge chocolate cake for afters.
I couldn't take my eyes off it.
My Grandad saw me and said, "go on, no-one's looking."
I said, "are you sure?"
"Course I'm sure," he replied.
So I whacked him in the mouth.

When are a mother-in-law and a beer both at their best?
When they're cold, on a table and opened up.

Went to the planetarium with my family this afternoon.
Imagine my wife's surprise when she discovered she's not the centre of the universe!

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting" What tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever. And, tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half-brother and two-half sisters."

My friend's son is now a green belt at karate. I presume that means you can't build houses on him.

What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night?
The water level in the bath.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The priest noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'"
The men would ask, "'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Researchers at Stirling University have found that parents who joke and play 'pretend' games with their children help them to form valuable social skills for life.
So I've told my kids I'm taking them to Disneyland next week.

Did you keep the receipt for the dog food you got yesterday?
Isn't the best way to break the news to your wife that her dog is dead.

After saying I didn't want to go and see my mother-in-law in hospital, my wife said I needed to sort my priorities out.
So I filed for divorce, got drunk and went to watch the football.

My mother-in-law was always nagging.
She said I would never make anything of myself.
So I strangled her and made myself a murderer.

When I was a little girl, me and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical clothes.
I didn't mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing.

Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine at the upholstery factory?
Luckily, he's fully recovered

I love bouncing my mother-in-law on my knee.
Sticking her in a football is more fun than an urn.

A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him he exclaimed, "My goodness: an ice cube with a hole in it, that's new."
"No it isn't," commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him, "I married one."

I am such a loser that I took my sister out for dinner on Valentine's Day.
Still got laid, though.

My dad is brilliant.
He always used to let me have a beer when my mum went out.
For my 40th birthday he let me have two.