The banks are like family.
Always there for you, but if you need money
They don't know who you are.

Son : daddy I cant stop walking around in circles. Dad : shut up or I ll nail your other foot to the floor.

My wife was in the bathroom the other day and shouted, "Ewwww there's a spider!"
I thought to myself, "Has it really been that long?"

Quasimodo was dancing in a nightclub with this really fit bird when suddenly she noticed a big bulge in his pocket.
"Quasi! You naughty boy! Whats that bulge in your pocket?" The girl purred
"Oh!" Said quasi "its a picture of my dad"

When I was a child, we were very poor, so I never had any toys to play with. In fact all I had to play with was a transistor...
Well, my brother in my mum's clothes.

My wife is that lazy she's been pregnant for 18 months.

After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it.
Turns out the definition wasn't high enough.

My wife's just left me because she was fed up of my constantly optimistic approach to life.
She'll be back though, i just know it, and we'll be together forever and never be unhappy.

It looks like my daughter takes after my wife.
Recently her weight has nearly doubled.
I mean, only a few months ago, she was seven pounds four ounces.

My wife and I've just celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary.
In all that time we've only ever had one argument.
It started about 50 years ago.

After watching Who Do You Think You Are I decided to trace my ancestors. I was able to trace my roots all the way back to my father.

My daughter's headmaster keeps telling me what a naughty girl she is.
Personally, I'm the luckiest man on Sickipedia.

I walked into the kitchen last night to see my dad cooking tea, I stood and started crying my eyes out, i thought my mum had walked out on us

My wife reminded me this morning that her mother was coming to stay this week.
"I want you to make an effort, and make her feel at home," she said.
So I'm leaving her a pillow and a duvet in the kennel.

Since I lost my job me and Grandad have been spending more and more time with each other, were getting on so well he's leaving me all of his inheritance.
"Grandad, you shouldn't have" I said, "Now then, the thing you need to remember about Base Jumping is I've packed your ruck sack with a parachute, just pull it open when your about 20' from the ground. Ok then off you pop and no more silly talk about the railway museum...."

My wife's been by my side for ages, but she's said she's had enough and is leaving.
Can't blame her, the queue at the clap clinic just wasn't moving.

My new neighbour came up to me today and said ,
"Alright mate , nice to meet you"
I said "Hi nice to meet you too"
He asked " Mate , do you know when the dustbin men come?"
so I replied " Yeah tuesday why?"
He said "well my wife's body is starting to stink up the car....."

My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines.
I wish I hadn't rolled up a tenner as fast as I had... Stupid lottery.

I took the wife for a walk in the local park this morning, you should have seen the filthy looks I was getting from the public.
Not sure what their problem was.... she was wearing a muzzle and I never let her off the leash.

I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went up stairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of "Shake it David shake it".

The wife got dressed up for trick or treating last night, she looked better than she has for a long time.

My mum asked me to stay downstairs and keep an eye out for a parcel being delivered. I said, "No way! I'm busy playing upstairs!". She told me to bring whatever I was playing with downstairs. She didn't know what to make of it when I returned with my sister.

My Dad just told me that before he met my mother he was something of a ladies man. He said he used to chase skirts all over the world.
I bet he got a shock when he visited Scotland !!!

I was looking forward to my birthday. My Dad said he had got me a train set.
I opened it up and the box was empty.
"Dad I thought you said that you had got me a train set?"
"There's a train strike."

My dad's tall and my mum's small, I am medium. My dad's black and my mum's white, I'm half caste. My dad's muscley and my mum's skinny, I am average. My dad's male and my mum's female, I'm now very worried.