Our child kicked my wife so I smacked him hard.
My wife says I over reacted and that it's common during pregnancy.

Whenever I tell my wife that we're leaving, I always say "Let's bounce."
Not because I think it sounds better than "Let's move."
I just like to remind her that she doesn't have any legs.

I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; "Some soldiers."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

As I've aged, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more.
I think I should move out, it's starting to get weird.

My dad told me that the quiet times with the one you love is what makes you happiest.
He's always smiling at mums grave.

I gave my girlfriend the earth, then she asked me for the stars.
She got them as soon as I gave her a right hook.

We had visitors at dinner time. It was time for them to leave when our
daughter sharon offered to lead us in prayer;
"Dear God,
I thank you for giving me such lovable parents,
Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and
icecream.
Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for
supper.
Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and
the naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother's pants as he slept on the
settee,
and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked
ladies in Daddy's Cell phone,
& build shelter to the homeless men who sleep
with
mum when dad is at work ...Amen."

I love going to bed with my wife knowing that when I wake up I get to hear those three magical words every man loves to hear in the morning;
''Here's your tea'

Me and my brother decided to have a sword fight.
Let's just say he's my half brother now.

Both my grandads are completely different from eachother.
I call my mum's father "Early Grandad" because no matter where we go or what we do he is always the first one there.
I call my dad's father "Late Grandad" because he's dead.

Me and the wife had a play fight this morning.
she threw hamlet but my Tempest really knocked her for six

I was at the self-checkout at supermarket today when a message popped up which read "Could you do with one less bag?".
"Yes", I thought, "but unfortunately she's my mother-in-law".

I recieved a phone call on my mobile from my son's school teacher today.
"Your son hasn't turned up for school for over a week," he exclaimed.
"Well, speak to his Gran," I snapped. "I'm in prison!"
"What about his mother?" he replied.
"Why do you think I'm in prison?"

Every woman has something beautiful.
In my wife's case it's her younger sister.

Why is your mum so fat?
Every time she swallows, I buy her a cake.

Your mamma's so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed the whole first season of Lost.

My wife and my life are quite similar.
I know one day they're going to leave me but they would never have the courage to do it when I'm awake.

Now that I'm married, I keep a photo of my family where I used to keep my money when I was single.

My wife and kids are my heart and soul. They're slowly being destroyed through my alcoholism and heroin addiction.

I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago.
But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us.

My wife just asked me what i would do if she was kidnapped?
I asked her if she'd ever seen that Liam Neason film 'taken'?
.....
I told her i'd watch that.

What bounces and makes kids cry?
Gary Glitter on a pogo stick.

I fear the moment that the world as we know it changes, the moment that makes you a different person.
Your mum added you as a friend to Facebook.

I like Trains.
Because one killed my Wife