As I checked in at Heathrow Terminal 5, I was told that I would have to pay excess baggage costs.
I knew I shouldn't have brought the wife.

Your mum's so fat she can walk through walls.
She's like a wrecking ball.

Me and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said "Why don't we pack each other's suit cases?"
I said "Okay sounds fun." When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. "Very funny" I said.
My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England.

I can imagine the family portraits in the Wheres Wally household are pretty interesting. Probably just a photo of a couch and a lamp.

My wife said "I've told you a million times. You are the most forgetful man on earth".
"Funny, I don't remember her ever saying that".

I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental!
we got married 3 weeks before he was born

my doctor asked me if any of my family suffered from insanity.I replied. NO .we all actually enjoy it.

On a sunday afternoon, me and the wife usually take a look around the dogs home.
For some reason, the mother in law loves showing us around her bungalow.

Every so often, my dad invites an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman round for the evening, and me and my dad hide all the chairs.
It's a standing joke in our house.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"'
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."'

I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog.
Which is why i've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping

The wife said that i never took her out for anything to eat and drink,
so took her out for tea and biscuits the other day...
it was her first time as a blood donor.

The beach's got everything! Sand for the kids, sun for the wife. Sharks for the mother-in-law.

My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops.

My wife complains that I spend too much time with my daughter at 'bath time'. Especially now that she has her exams to study for.

My Grandad told me one of his favourite jokes from back in the day.
'Three black men were on fire........'
I guess his humour was a little basic.

Yesterday I told my wife that I will kill her in her sleep, burn down our house and I hate coronation street.
"How could you?", she said.
"Not really", I told her, "I love Coronation Street".

I said to my girlfriends family the other day:
You guys are so funny! You should be in a tv programme!
My girlfriends mum replied flattered:
What, you mean like a comedy or a talkshow?
I said back:
Nah, fat families.

Kids don't know they're born these days
One Christmas when I was a lad my Mum got me a carpet and told me I could keep it in the living room.

My wife left me because she said i just don't undestand her....
To be honest i dont know what she's talking about.

What does my grandma have in common with the newspaper?
Both have been lying in the driveway for about 3 days now.

My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head.
I'm worried about her starting college, she's led a very sheltered life.

At first I thought your mum was like a bike, because everyone had had a ride;
but then I realised she was more like a bus, as you can fit more people in a bus.

My wife asked me to pop into town to get her mother a gift for mother's day. Apparently she asked for something she can use in the bath.
So I've bought her a toaster.

My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world
I said look sweetheart, hopes and dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. now get back in the kitchen.