My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.
....Anyone knows how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive ?

I slipped my whole hand inside my sister's furry little hoop earlier.
I had no idea you could stretch a hair bobble that big.

My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world
I said look sweetheart, hopes and dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. now get back in the kitchen.

We buried my mother-in-law today.
As the coffin lowered into the ground I stepped forward and said a little prayer.
"Thank you God".

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening out?
A candlelit football stadium.

I took the family on a day trip to Alton Towers.
As the kids kicked and screamed in the back of the car, I remembered a tip my dad gave me.
"If you don't stop that," I said, "I'll turn this car right round..."
They paused for a moment, smiled, and started hitting each other.
"Right, that's it!" I shouted, spinning the car round.
I couldn't help but think my dad's logic was flawed as we arrived back at the theme park.

My mother belongs to the Saudi Arabian school of photography. Every time she takes a picture she cuts people's hands & feet off.

My girlfriend thinks it's the hardest thing in the world to juggle a successful career and bring up a family at the same time.
She should try juggling flaming knives

Just when I thought Christmas was over, I came down stairs this morning to find two pigs in blankets lodged in the setee.
I really wish the wife wouldn't let her mum and sister stop over without telling me.

Always used to wonder why my brother would get all the girls but not me, even though we're twins.
One time, I was alone in my bedroom for three weeks thinking about it.

It was mine and my wife's anniversary. After work i stopped off and got a bunch of flowers. When i brought them home, she told me they looked like i found them in a bin. Jokes on her though. I found them tied to a fence at the side of the road.

I was driving along the road the other day when I saw a man trying to run his wife down in his car.
I was going to stop to help but he looked like he had it under control

I thought that mentioning that I had a young family at a recent social event would break the ice and help people warm to me, but when I introduced my 11 year old wife, the horrified look on their faces suggested otherwise.

I told my wife the other day ' I've Just finished writing a song about a hammer today'
she said ' Oh really, hit me with it!'
She could have phrased it better, re-constructive surgery starts friday

When my wife was heavily pregnant, I still found her attractive.
Although, I think this was due to the increase in gravity.

Just been dumped by the missus.
Apparently, when we are outside our house, while it's burning to the ground, saying "Ah, it needed decorating anyway." Is wrong. Especially when our baby is inside.

On his wedding day I told my son that I wasn't losing a son but gaining a daughter.
In retrospect it was a callous way of telling him that I had got his fiance pregnant.

I killed, cooked and ate my mother in law yesterday. Just one of the many advantages of being married to a chicken.

I was asked the question, "What would you rather be, blind or deaf?"
I answered deaf, my wife is pretty hot but her voice does my head in.

I was driving in a town near Arkinsaw the other day and my girlfriend said to me
'Isn't this place notorious for incest?'
I replied 'No but it's relatively close'

I went to my nan's house for dinner on her birthday. After enjoying the lovely spread she had layed out, she told me that she wanted her present...
So I gave her a pearl necklace.
And then I gave my present to her!

I was sat watching TV earlier when my wife said "Watch out, the Sun's coming through the window"
"Nothing to worry about, I'll close the blinds", I replied.
Then she threw my son through the window.

I've just spent all morning digging up the allotment for my grandad.
I can't remember where I buried him.

Parents, give your child a normal name. No one wants to hire someone with a name that sounds like a Harry Potter spell

My kids are really good looking. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.