My kids are really good looking. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I've just spent all morning digging up the allotment for my grandad.
I can't remember where I buried him.

My wife just told me that im lazy good for nothing layabout, that does nothing to help her around the house.
That's the last time i arrange for her to borrow a ladder when she has to realign the sky dish

Your mums so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck.

My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat.

My girlfriend said she wanted to name our baby daughter a name that she "could see in lights."
Just a minute, I need to change Marlboro's nappy.

"Lets play charades" my Mother in Law said as she walked into the lounge.
"Enter the Dragon" I shouted.
"We haven't started yet" she replied.
" It was an observation not a guess"

Your mum is so fat she can't even pick out the first pringle

My wife always smashes up our furniture when she's depressed.
She's a shelf-harmer.

My 8 year old son reckoned he was old enough to go out on his own at night, so I sent him to get our fish supper at the chippie (The Fishy Finger), which is on a particularly dodgy estate.
As a joke I asked him to get 'a battered ring'.
That was three days ago.
Don't worry............we had a pot noodle instead.

My wife has just had baby, were both so happy! But the most amazing thing is that my little boy,thanks to a genetic disease, was born black. It does not bother me one bit I still love my boy.
I told my mate Leeroy about it and he seemed just as shocked as I was!

During the Second World War, my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling.
He got hit by the Doodlebug.

My mother kicked my dad out of the house for cheating.
She seriously needs to give that board game a rest.

At the tender age of 82 my gran has lost the plot, she keeps thinking that I am my grandad.
To be honest it's a compliment, he was a great bloke.
But, the biggest compliment of all was the fact that 'Apparently' I'm better in bed.

The other day 2 year old brother started screaming at the sight of a spider. All i wanted was some peace but I couldn't kill the poor thing so I wraped it in toilet paper and through it out of the window.
However my parents said that was a irresponsible thing to do to a two year old.

My wife told me I'm a terrible Father.
She said I really need to pull my finger out
Of our son.

My mother-in-law came round earlier and really made my day...
She left early.

Got the bearded dragon a new tank today.
The wife ain't happy though, she doesn't think it's an appropriate place for her mother.

My ginger son's birthday is today. I've explained in previous years that we don't get him any birthday presents because it's so close to Christmas.
It seems to upset him, especially because we're Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas.

My Father was mental. He used to think he was a Boeing 747
I don't remember too much about him.
He took off when I was five

So it's mothers day i had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law i couldn't choose between a toyota prius or a holiday in haiti, so eventually i plumped for luging lessons in vancouver.

My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I just packed my things and right.

Doctor- im afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son.
Mother- i thought you said he was perfectly healthy?
Doctor- Oh i did, but his bath is overflowing.

I think my dad was a magician.
He did a disappearing act when I was born.

I was arguing with my wife last night. She accused me
of being a delusional fantasist. I was shocked.
So I held gently held my hand against
her face, breathed in slowly and shouted "Flame on!".