I went to the police and reported that my wife is missing ever since she went to buy groceries a week ago.
"Well, why didn't you report earlier?"
"I had enough groceries to last me a week."

Was on the train earlier when a guy got up and left his expensive new phone on the seat. I didn't say anything and he got off, I went to retrieve my new phone. Before I could even pick it up it started ringing - 'mum' - I left the phone where it was.
She always seems to know when I am up to no good, that wily minx.

You think seeing your Mum kissing Santa Claus was bad.
I saw him kissing my Dad

My wife bounced into the room and said, "I've got some good news!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My mum's beaten the cancer," she squealed. She's all clear!"
Always going off on a tangent, my wife. I never did find out what that good news was.

The Wife asked me last night, "how would you judge the success of a Man?"
So of course I said "by the amount of Women he's banged"
Then she said "how would you judge the success of a Woman?"
"Well of course by how many sandwiches she's made"
I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight....

My Wife has a really pretty face, but the only problem is she is carrying a bit of timber.
I've told her working at the lumber yard isn't very lady like.

My sister was on Big Brother tonight.
I'm hoping to get a repeat performance before I go to sleep.

I just hacked my mother in law's facebook, and put,' I just gave my son in law head' as her status.
It didn't go down too well with the family as she died yesterday.

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the house.The wife makes us stand outside in the cold.And she wonders why he doesn't like her.

I was using the palm of my hand this morning instead of an ashtray, and the wife was complaining.
Don't know why though,the ashtray would've done a lot more damage.

As many a good man will know; anything you can't fix with a hammer and some gaffer tape isn't worth fixing.
Needless to say, my first marriage didn't last long.

I'm a good kind of guy who laughs at my own mistakes.
My son didn't think it was funny though...

Tips for blokes --
How to clean a toilet:
1. Barrow cat from neighbour.
2. Pour soap into toilet.
3. Add cat and close lid.
4. Sit on lid.
5. Allow cat time to act.
6. Flush several times to rinse.
7. Raise lid and admire shine.

Was having a nice family game of football earlier and, despite their youthful energy, managed to beat both my kids. It made me feel better after losing to them at the football.

I offered to bathe the kids for the wife last night, which made me realise how useless I was.
I had no idea whether to use Persil or Mr Muscle...

My friend told me he loved homemade gifts for christmas..
Excitedly, I asked "which one of my kids do you want?"

I'm hoping my in laws don't stay too long on Christmas day.
But, just to make sure I've also invited the black couple from next door.

Last week my wife told me that I spend too much time on Sickipedia.
She said, "It's either Sickipedia or me and the kids, your choice".
To be honest I don't even miss them.

My gran's Alzheimer's is getting worse. The weird thing is, she can remember what happened twenty years ago but she can't remember what happened ten minutes ago!
If she lives another twenty years I'm so busted.

My mother is a always trying to outdo me. Last night she walked into the bathroom as I was choking the bishop then, today, she had to go and push the Pope.

The Ex wife rang me up today and screamed at me "Your sons ran away from home !"
Laughing i said "So did i, remember !"

If I had a pound for every time my father called me a failure
I wouldn't be a failure anymore

I'm watching Monsters vs. Aliens
As soon as the in-laws leave, we'll probably pop in a DVD.

Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

Two weeks after we got married, and already we started having regrets.
Or babies, as the wife likes to call them.