I was never the same man again after my best friend died.
He left me all of his fancy-dress costumes in his will.
For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way.
Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he "can't help my kind," and asked me to leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway.
I thought I saw a mobile circus today.
Turns out it was just a fat bird in a maxi dress.
A mate of mine walked into the pub with a fish on his head. The fish was positioned quite high on his head with its broad tail hanging down the back of his neck like a curtain.
"Evening Dave!" I said, "Nice mullet."
Apparently it's good to be seen in expensive clothes.
But when I went out, everyone just laughed at the price tag dangling from my collar.
I bought a Tee-shirt with a big sad face on the front.
I'm hoping that when I stop wearing it, it'll hang itself
On a fishing trip to Australia, I was terrified when the biggest croc I'd ever seen came floating past the boat.
Must have been a size 16 at least.
BBC news: In the trial of Stephen Lawrence the jury were shown the clothes he was wearing on the fateful. A bright blue cardigan, a red polo shirt and a pair of lime green corduroy trousers.
He may have been killed by the fashion police.
Following his performance at the Masters golf today, Ian Poulter said he needs to shoot a round in the 60's if he's to have any chance to winning tomorrow.
Looking at your dress sense Ian, I think you're already there.
What do Dreadlocks and children have in common?
If you play around with them too much they get messed up.
I just bought a new suit and went into the bedroom to see what the wife thought of it
She said " its very nice.... Give us a twirl"
I said " Why are you always thinking about chocolate you fat cow, we've just had our dinner!"
Fashion designer John Galliano was devastated to be sacked from Christian Dior.
He is said to be much happier today after getting a new job making fancy dress outfits for Prince Harry and a range of new clothing for Mel Gibson
I keep seeing these girls with I<3 PB on their bags.
What idiots! Tungsten is way better!
I've created a perfume out of potatoes.
It's got a crisp scent.
There's a new trend at school. The girls are coming in with designer bags such as D+G, Valentino, Prada and Gucci.
But when I walk in with my "netto" bag I get laughed at.
I went to the police station in a top hat, bow tie and flippers.
They said I should 'make a statement'.
Why do women feel the need to wear expensive designer clothes in the hope of impressing men?
No straight guy in the history of the world has ever turned to his mates and said, 'check out the Gucci on that girl'.
I went to a Asthma Awareness fashion show last week. I was shocked. Even the fat chicks were breathtaking.
I killed a man with a beard today.
Looking back, it was a poor weapon choice.
My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God.
As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggiestyle BEFORE the missionary position.
The wife asked how I liked her new dress
" looked better with the potatoes in " wasn't what she wanted to hear.
Back on the sofa tonight
I was shopping in Primark today when I thought;
"Wait a minute, I have money"
I was reading through a fashion magazine and one of the pages said, "Winter's coming up, find out what's hot this season!"
I thought, "Radiators."
According to news reports, undertakers took Alexander McQueen's body out of his flat on a stretcher, covered in a maroon blanket.
A maroon blanket? I wouldn't seen dead in a maroon blanket, would be complete fashion suicide.