Have you heard about the newest fashion trend?
Men wearing Ugg boots.
Apparently they're called Muggs.

My wife roped me into a fancy dress party then started to nag me about possible costumes and whether we dress up as a pair.
"Listen." I said, exasperated, "You don't need a costume. I'll dress up as Crockett and we can go together as Miami Vice."

Just bought a coat with elbow patches,
I didn't even know they were legal tender.

I wasn't very happy with the clothes order that came through the mail today.
They were a bit small and didn't really fit, but I think I'll still keep them.
They were for next door anyway.

I bought a new necklace earlier that made my skin go a funny blue colour so I suspected it was a rip off.
Turns out it was a 24ct gold bracelet.

When David Beckham scored for England, all the kids wanted Beckham haircuts.
Sorry, Lescott, but I can't see this catching on.

I asked the missus this morning what size she is, as I was buying her Christmas presents
She told me she was a size 10.
The trouble I had getting shoes in her size!

I've recently developed a belief in Feng Shui.
The Jeremy Kyle show was on and I turned the TV to face the wall and felt a lot happier.

How do you know a woman is wearing tights?
Her knees swell up when she farts.