Apparently losing weight can help boost your memory. Oh no! I've just remembered how much I like pies.

My friend invited me around to his place for a Meat Feast last night.
I thought "That sounds like the worst ice-cream ever".

My family was trying to decide where to eat last night. My Mum and Sister wanted Chinese but Me and my Dad wanted Indian. As the football was on we decided that our team won we'd go Chinese but if we lost, we'd go Indian.....
.....It ended in a Thai

I just paid five pounds in KFC for a 'special chicken dinner'
It was two scoops of corn.

i bought some gingerbread men today, but when i was about to eat them, there was nothing in there and i realised i'd bought some ninjabread men.

It was pitch black, and some guy offered me either tequilla or sambuca.
Not sure what it was. Shot in the dark really.

Definition of will power: being able to stop after one chocolate finger.

KFC: You could say there's a little bit of the Colonel in every piece...
And that's why my local branch has just been shut by environmental heath officers.

Why can't fast food places be honest & call "Potato Wedges", "Big Undercooked Chips" instead.

They say,"It takes 2 to Tango".Yet I finished one at lunch without any drama whatsoever.

What is it about Ice Cream Van Drivers that makes them so poor at drawing cartoons?

My mate thought it would be a laugh to walk through the "drive-thru" at McDonald's. Not one to be out done, I had to take the joke further. So I drove through the shop floor in my Mondeo.

Walkers have introduced Clover Leaf flavoured crisps.
If you're lucky you get a fourth in the pack..

BBC News: "McDonalds to launch own degree."
It seems '3rd degree burns' doesn't quite emphasise just how hot their coffee is.

I like my black people as I like my toast.
Burnt.

Sky News:
Cadburys new owner Kraft is to slash up to 400 jobs from the Somerdale factory in Somerset.
Kraft have said that the factory will now be re-located to Poland.
What's the problem then? Does it matter if the factory is in Luton or Somerset?

My orphan friend came round for dinner today.
He said, "Mmm, these sausages are great."
I said, "Yes, that's why mums go to Iceland, accept yours of course, she just didn't want you."

Six Packs.
There comes a time when you have to choose between the two.

I find it quite ironic that Bernard Matthews died just before christmas..
I guess the turkeys had their revenge

I've just experienced what life will be like in the future, when the economy has collapsed beyond repair, war has broken out everywhere and everyone is living in awful conditions.
I just had lunch at Little Chef.

I got kicked out of a restaurant last Sunday whilst everyone was having carvery.
Apparently 6 bird roast is something to do with food.

Sky News: "Family gets 93 Years for Blue Lagoon Murder"
To be honest, I was pretty impressed that they managed to kill someone with a lethal mix of vodka, curaco and lemonade.

Me and my family really like our sandwiches but people give us funny looks when we say we're inter bread.

For dessert last night, I had a chocolate cake in the shape of a vast open expanse of land.
It was very moorish.

We'd finished our main course. The waitress, a rather odd looking black girl, took our dessert order.
This never arrived, so I called over the Head Waiter.
"What's happened to the chocolate mousse?" I asked.
"We caught her with her hands in the till and sacked her," he replied. "May I help you, sir?"