I'm opening a coffee shop that sells the ideal coffee to damage your lungs.
It's made from the finest coughy beans.

My orphan friend came round for dinner today.
He said, "Mmm, these sausages are great."
I said, "Yes, that's why mums go to Iceland, accept yours of course, she just didn't want you."

Six Packs.
There comes a time when you have to choose between the two.

I find it quite ironic that Bernard Matthews died just before christmas..
I guess the turkeys had their revenge

I've just experienced what life will be like in the future, when the economy has collapsed beyond repair, war has broken out everywhere and everyone is living in awful conditions.
I just had lunch at Little Chef.

I got kicked out of a restaurant last Sunday whilst everyone was having carvery.
Apparently 6 bird roast is something to do with food.

We'd finished our main course. The waitress, a rather odd looking black girl, took our dessert order.
This never arrived, so I called over the Head Waiter.
"What's happened to the chocolate mousse?" I asked.
"We caught her with her hands in the till and sacked her," he replied. "May I help you, sir?"

Carlsberg don't do an at least half-decent tasting lager. They just do silly adverts.

Sky News: "Family gets 93 Years for Blue Lagoon Murder"
To be honest, I was pretty impressed that they managed to kill someone with a lethal mix of vodka, curaco and lemonade.

For dessert last night, I had a chocolate cake in the shape of a vast open expanse of land.
It was very moorish.

Me and my family really like our sandwiches but people give us funny looks when we say we're inter bread.

I berated a member of staff at McDonalds "You've charged me 40 quid for this meal when it says 3.99 on the menu".
"Yes, it's the Olympic Special" he explained.

Italian scientists are becoming increasingly worried about people's pasta consumption.
Statistics have been released for a safe Carbonara Footprint.

Eating fruit and vegetables is good for you
Apart from the ones that kill you

I've heard that drinking 7 cups of coffee can make u hallucinate but we've had 9 and me and tweety pie are doing just fine

"Your cooking is truly dreadful. That was the worst meal I've ever eaten in my life."
"HOW DARE YOU!!? What gives you the right to speak to me like that!?"
"Well, for a start, you've just managed to kill my tapeworm."

Went to go and see that new film about an adventurous biscuit.
The Bourbon Supremacy.

I've just eaten my lunch after I'd managed to drop it all over the pavement.
Admittedly, it was there slightly longer than 3 seconds, but what do you expect when it's soup.

I went in a butchers today and said " pound of bacon please" the butcher said " lean back?" so I said " why, have i got dog breath or something?"

I admitted to the wife that I often buy cheap lager and drink drive home from work.
"have you no respect, what if you got caught?" she shouted.
I spose she has a point, from Monday I'm gonna buy the expensive stuff.

My girlfriend is always banging on about how fabulous bottled water is.
So today I put it to the test. I give her a drink of tap water and a drink of her spring water.
I was amazed that she got right, so I asked her how she knew.
"The spring water was in the bottle, not the cup".

I was chatting to this bird last night and she asked where I worked, wanting to sound like a bit of a stud I said: "Oh I've got fingers in loads of different pies..."
I work at Greggs.

I went to a kebab shop the other day and got a doner.
Unfortunately my body rejected it

I have this condition...
When I can't sleep all I want to do is eat..
...it's called Insom-nom-nom-nia

I called the waiter over in the French restaurant last night and said, "I think the frogs legs I ordered are undercooked."
"What makes you say that Sir."
"They've jumped onto a plate at the next table."