I went in a butchers today and said " pound of bacon please" the butcher said " lean back?" so I said " why, have i got dog breath or something?"

I've just eaten my lunch after I'd managed to drop it all over the pavement.
Admittedly, it was there slightly longer than 3 seconds, but what do you expect when it's soup.

Went to go and see that new film about an adventurous biscuit.
The Bourbon Supremacy.

"Your cooking is truly dreadful. That was the worst meal I've ever eaten in my life."
"HOW DARE YOU!!? What gives you the right to speak to me like that!?"
"Well, for a start, you've just managed to kill my tapeworm."

I've heard that drinking 7 cups of coffee can make u hallucinate but we've had 9 and me and tweety pie are doing just fine

Eating fruit and vegetables is good for you
Apart from the ones that kill you

Italian scientists are becoming increasingly worried about people's pasta consumption.
Statistics have been released for a safe Carbonara Footprint.

I don't know why small chocolates called 'fun sized'? if i called a midget fun sized, he'd kick off.

3 is the magic number, succulent chicken, smoked bacon and crispy onions, three great ingredients from McDonald's. To which they've added lettuce, bread that won't go off for a month, "cheese" and a non descriptive sauce. Come on McDonald's admit it, 7 is better than 3!

My girlfriend has nicknamed me the Incredible Hunk. In keeping with the super hero theme I've named the lazy, fat, crisp-munching slag - Golden Wonder Woman.

We've just had some guests round for the wife's famous Sunday dinner...
To be fair, countless have gone on to lead a fairly normal life.

Sky News : "Two Million Dead Fish Found In Maryland"
Well, that's me off the cookies for a few months.

Two guys attacked me the other day - one threw baking soda on me while the other sprinkled me with vinegar.
I think they wanted a reaction

The staff in McDonald's aren't allowed to wear rings on their fingers.
It's not a hygiene thing - it's so they don't scratch the floor tiles when they knuckle drag.

My wife cried when I gave her a birthday present. I knew onions would be a hit.

Why did the biscuit cry?
Because his mum was a wafer too long.

What's yellow and dangerous ?
Shark infested custard.

"Now with real ingredients", read the pack of Walkers I was eating.
To my annoyance, 80% of the packet was still with imaginary ingredients, though.

Well I was going to drink Magner's cider irresponsibly, but in the top right hand corner there was a tiny sign in white writing which read 'Drink sensibly'. So I did.

'It's so small....' she says.
'I've seen similar things that will do the same job, but bigger' my wife moans.
'I can get the whole thing in my mouth without even trying'.
I wish yacult would just make a bigger bottle so she'd shut up

A famous American proverb states;
'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get'
I'd have thought even the dumbest American could work out what they might get inside a box of CHOCOLATES

Waiter! There's a fly in my soup.
Oh, this won't be long, sir. You see the spider on the plate's edge?

What do you call a guy playing snooker with a pint on his head?
Beatrix Potter

I'm suing Um Bongo for false advertising,
they claim it to be drunk in the Congo, but when I went there all they seemed to drink was unsafe water.

The other day, I felt like a chicken.
So I crossed the road and went to KFC.