It may be that Tropicana is the favourite breakfast drink of New Yorkers, But lets be honest, How many Americans actually wake up and think to themselves, 'I'm going to have a natural fruit drink today?'

At my takeaway the same man takes my order, Cooks my food, And delivers it to my door,
The recession must have hit my local chinese really bad.

BBC News: "Dead baby found in London hotel"
Or as I like to call it, dinner.

I offered a fat bird a date once, but she turned me down.
She wouldn't touch any kind of fruit.

When Life gives you lemons, be grateful for the gift from your unusually named grocer.

The other day, I felt like a chicken.
So I crossed the road and went to KFC.

My wife said she was leaving me because she thought I was a chicken, and was sick of my cheesy jokes, and cauliflower ears.
To be honest, I think she's making a bit of a meal out of it.

I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night.
I said, "Do you fancy going out for something to eat, my treat?"
She said, "Yeah, that would be nice".
I said, "Great, here's a tenner, get me a kebab and get yourself whatever you want".

Do ya know what I don't understand. Why dont they use the glue from post it notes for sticking the lids down on ready meals so that you can actually get into them.
Then they could use the glue from the ready meals packaging for something useful, such as adhesive bonding for repairing cracks in bridges and high-rise buildings

The back of a packet of Walkers crisps now reads:
Now with no Artificial colourings, flavours or crisps!

I saw a farmer in a field playing a board game on a pig.
I asked him "what game are you playing?"
"Backgammon" he replied.

Government cutbacks are really starting to affect the NHS here in Scotland.
The only heart & lung machine my local hospital has left is the haggis grinder in the canteen.

Greggs are expecting the new tax to seriously affect their business.
Personally, I can't see how an extra 3.142% will make that much difference.

I've just had one of those horrible ice cream headaches.
Brought on by looking at the sheer amount my wife bought for herself.

Three words every man dreads to hear from a women.
There's no bread.

"Waitrose to start stocking Rhea eggs"
Eggs from Rheas? They'll never take off.

I like to confuse McDonald's staff by using binary when ordering.
I'll have 1 Big Mac please.

Right, i'll line a tin with Shortcrust pastry.
Tim, you whip the cream and add it in.
Jeff, pick some fresh berries and arrange them ontop.
Matt, your job is to add a thin layer of sugar...
Sounds like a sweet Flan to me.

I've just seen a boy racer smash his Vauxhall Nova into the back of a Heinz lorry.
I think it was souped up.

McDonald's;
Proof that Americans are so desperate for Heritage that they claim their patron saint of fast food was Scottish.

"I'm leaving", I said to my wife.
"You'll come crawling back", she sneered.
I just ignored her and continued on my way to the pub.

If cider is made from apples, does it count as one of my five a day?

A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "What's wrong with them?"
Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some,
The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

BBC News:Explosion at factory producing Ribena
Does that fall under currant affairs?

If I was looking for an emergency 'keeper to save a penalty in a crowd of people, the LAST one I would choose would be the one scranning a Mars Bar.