I ordered an 8 inch Cheese and Tomato Pizza from Dominos. I was shocked when it arrived as it was delivered by two midget monks.
I phoned Dominos up and said, "What are you doing, having my pizza delivered by two midget monks?"
"Well, it's only a small order," came the reply.

My mum lost 4 stone after making a discovery... the exit door at McDonald's.

"Waitrose to start stocking Rhea eggs"
Eggs from Rheas? They'll never take off.

I like to confuse McDonald's staff by using binary when ordering.
I'll have 1 Big Mac please.

Right, i'll line a tin with Shortcrust pastry.
Tim, you whip the cream and add it in.
Jeff, pick some fresh berries and arrange them ontop.
Matt, your job is to add a thin layer of sugar...
Sounds like a sweet Flan to me.

I've just seen a boy racer smash his Vauxhall Nova into the back of a Heinz lorry.
I think it was souped up.

McDonald's;
Proof that Americans are so desperate for Heritage that they claim their patron saint of fast food was Scottish.

"I'm leaving", I said to my wife.
"You'll come crawling back", she sneered.
I just ignored her and continued on my way to the pub.

If I was looking for an emergency 'keeper to save a penalty in a crowd of people, the LAST one I would choose would be the one scranning a Mars Bar.

Me and my girlfriend tried roast badger at our local restaurant last night.
We had the sett meal for two.

I promised the wife the Ritz for her birthday treat, i didnt disappoint.
One whole pack of cheese crackers working their way to her now......

If cider is made from apples, does it count as one of my five a day?

BBC News:Explosion at factory producing Ribena
Does that fall under currant affairs?

I was really hungry earlier, I looked up and down the house for something to eat. I eventually found a chocolate teapot.
That was useful.

I was eating at an Italian Restaurant and I ordered a Chefs special pizza.
When it arrived it tasted awful, so I demanded to speak to the chef himself
"This pizza is completely overdone and tastes like cardboard!" I complained.
"Scusami?! It is perfection! I Have been cooking this pizza for over 30 years!" He argued.
"No offence mate, but that's a bit long for a pizza." I Replied.

It took me a long time to order breakfast this morning.
By the time I'd alphabetically arranged it all, it had gone cold.

I love cooking with wine... sometimes I put it in the food as well

Fat people, its not their fault. They just have slow metabolisms.
And very fast, chip eating hands.

Why are people so bothered about genetically modified foods?
I mean just last week me and the family sat down to a delicious plate of beef wings.

Here's a drinking game to entertain you.
Get six mates and all sit in a circle. Each one of you has a bottle of vodka in front of you.
On the command "Go" everyone has to drink their bottle as fast as they can.
Wait half an hour, then one of you leaves the room. The others have to guess who it was.

My mate asked me if he could have a handful of my Walkers crisps today.
So I gave him the whole bag.

Went for Indian last night and the food didn't agree with me.
Full credit to it for making coversation though.

I changed my name to "the road". Now everyone buys me a drink as they leave the bar.

Does anyone else ever write the word 'Banana' and forget where to stop typing 'na'.
Bananana.

Was chillin with some buds earlier.
"Oy you, out the beer cooler." shouted the shop owner.