My wife just told me we're having burgers for tea tomorrow. I'm relishing it.

Does anyone else ever write the word 'Banana' and forget where to stop typing 'na'.
Bananana.

Was chillin with some buds earlier.
"Oy you, out the beer cooler." shouted the shop owner.

I changed my name to "the road". Now everyone buys me a drink as they leave the bar.

What do we want?
A cure for chocolate addiction.
When do we want it?
After eight.

What came first?
Egg fried rice or Chicken fried rice?

As I was coming home from the fish n chip shop, I opened the bag to discover my cod was coated in bread crumbs.
I can't believe it's not batter.

Danone Actimel - Just 1 a day will balance out your healthy bacteria. Try our weekly challenge
So why sell them in packs of 6?

Daily Mail: "Mr Average spends 10,585 hours of his life in the pub"
Mrs Average has left a note telling him his dinner is in the dog

I had a "Taste of England" meal today.
A curry for two from Asda.

I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax.

My Mexican lorry driver friend has got to watch what he eats.
He records it on a tacograph.

Since splitting up with my wife I'm living a bachelor life!
Tomato soup on Monday,
Mushroom on Tuesday,
Cream of chicken Wednesday,

I walked past a specialist African Food Store the other day...
It was empty.

Treated the wife to a slap up meal at our local paki restaurant last night.
She had a Big Mac and I had a Quarter Pounder.

Dr Pepper:
It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up

I met this bird from New York in the pub this week and I took her out for dinner last night.
I told her I knew this fantastic place that does really authentic native American food.
She wasn't too impressed though.
Apparently they have MacDonalds in the US as well.

The wife and I are managing to eat well through the credit crunch, with a little known recipe for 'Nigerian coq au vin' ...
First .. steal a chicken.

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergecy at the hospital, and rushed away.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Just seen that new breakfast cereal for people with speech impediments. I think Rice Lispies are going to be big.

I'd just finished eating a meal at a very cold and grotty pub when the waitress came over and said "How was the steak sir?" , "Very well done" , i replied , "Thanks" she said "We've never had a compliment before"

This last month I have ordered 4 Chinese meals from 4 different Chinese takeaways.
Every time they had the same delivery driver.
Strange.

Went back to this chick's place last night, soon after I was slinging the sausage down the corridor.
In retrospect, initiating a food fight wasn't the best idea.

I walked out of my local take-away today and there was a charity worker outside giving out leaflets on how to donate items to the Haiti survivors.
She asked me, "Can you spare a few tins of food for the starving people of Haiti?"
"No. And I'm not even going to finish this kebab".

I always talk to my food before I eat it.
It's the only way I can be sure it will agree with me.