Saw a Poster in the supermarket today which read,
Coco Pops
No added colours
Oh, so JLS aren't getting a new member?

do you think in china they have english people delivering fish and chips to their door via moped?

I work at a chocolate factory, but they don't like me talking about it. Which is why I have to Wispa.

Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street.

I was in Burger King earlier and after waiting I noticed that the obese woman on the till had written on her top 'Too cool for school' i suppose that's why she was working at Burger King then.

What would happen if you put the salt shaker in the fridge?
Don't know but it'd be pretty cool.

I've just asked my mate to come to KFC with me later.
I need a wing man

Whats Jack the Ripper's favouroute yoghurt?
Frubes - He likes to rip their heads of and suck their guts out

I see that you liked your first chin so much you decided to add another.

My idea of the perfect date is a woman who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant.

I've spent the past 5 years making a car out of uncooked spaghetti. Yesterday I took it out for a spin and crashed into a lorry full of warm water. Luckily the back of it is fine, but the front is al dente.

Terrible news about today's Peshawar explosion.
There's naan bread all over my kitchen.

Why do fat people like Twitter?
Because the hash tag look's like a waffle. #

I drink so much that the last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I had the blackest coffee last night before going to bed.
Robbed me of about 8 hours sleep.
Typical, eh?

I think the most peaceful Christmas I can remember was when my mother accidently covered the cake in Temazepam

My girlfriend thought I had some real cheek to go up to her Mum and say, "Do my fingers smell of fish?"
To which she replied, cowering away, "No, I don't think so".
"I thought just as much" I replied. "Now go and get me some Birdseye instead of this Aldi rubbish".

Carlsberg don't do great tasting beers,
But if they did....

I've always been put off by Subways slogan "Eat Fresh"
As opposed to what?

4 large cod
2 pies
6 large portions of chips
4 battered sausages
mushy peas
curry sauce
I was disgusted when I read what Paul Mason has for lunch. I mean, c'mon, fish with curry sauce?

I've started drinking a new drink, it's called Abrahams, sorry Mountain Jew.

Pizza Hut : Kids eat free
Great! I'm a single parent with 10 children and living on benefits.

Apparently, using my girlfriend's pair of GHDs to make a toasted cheese sandwich is not a 'survival technique'.

Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

BBC News - 'Our pub's about to shut?!?'
They're shut now, its nearly three in the morning.