do you think in china they have english people delivering fish and chips to their door via moped?

I work at a chocolate factory, but they don't like me talking about it. Which is why I have to Wispa.

I've spent the past 5 years making a car out of uncooked spaghetti. Yesterday I took it out for a spin and crashed into a lorry full of warm water. Luckily the back of it is fine, but the front is al dente.

Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street.

I was in Burger King earlier and after waiting I noticed that the obese woman on the till had written on her top 'Too cool for school' i suppose that's why she was working at Burger King then.

What would happen if you put the salt shaker in the fridge?
Don't know but it'd be pretty cool.

I had some ice cream the other day that was as hard as a brick.
Turns out it was Walls...

I've just asked my mate to come to KFC with me later.
I need a wing man

Whats Jack the Ripper's favouroute yoghurt?
Frubes - He likes to rip their heads of and suck their guts out

I see that you liked your first chin so much you decided to add another.

My idea of the perfect date is a woman who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant.

Why do fat people like Twitter?
Because the hash tag look's like a waffle. #

I drink so much that the last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I had the blackest coffee last night before going to bed.
Robbed me of about 8 hours sleep.
Typical, eh?

I think the most peaceful Christmas I can remember was when my mother accidently covered the cake in Temazepam

My girlfriend thought I had some real cheek to go up to her Mum and say, "Do my fingers smell of fish?"
To which she replied, cowering away, "No, I don't think so".
"I thought just as much" I replied. "Now go and get me some Birdseye instead of this Aldi rubbish".

Carlsberg don't do great tasting beers,
But if they did....

4 large cod
2 pies
6 large portions of chips
4 battered sausages
mushy peas
curry sauce
I was disgusted when I read what Paul Mason has for lunch. I mean, c'mon, fish with curry sauce?

Terrible news about today's Peshawar explosion.
There's naan bread all over my kitchen.

Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Apparently, using my girlfriend's pair of GHDs to make a toasted cheese sandwich is not a 'survival technique'.

I've always been put off by Subways slogan "Eat Fresh"
As opposed to what?

Pizza Hut : Kids eat free
Great! I'm a single parent with 10 children and living on benefits.

I've started drinking a new drink, it's called Abrahams, sorry Mountain Jew.

I just found out today that my wife's baking is really good for your health.
A bullet just ricocheted off the mini cake I had in my chest pocket.