I just found out today that my wife's baking is really good for your health.
A bullet just ricocheted off the mini cake I had in my chest pocket.

It's fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream...,
or 9-volt batteries.

My wife asked me to describe her as a food.
I opted for Yorkshire pudding.
What about a jam roly poly??

I like my women how I like my kit-kats.
Chunky.

BBC News - 'Our pub's about to shut?!?'
They're shut now, its nearly three in the morning.

I was sitting having a quiet pint, minding my own business when the door flew open.
"Excuse me sir" said this policeman, "You know it's illegal to drink alcohol on the hard shoulder?"

I was recently fired from my job at the OXO factory.
I was eating all of the stock.

Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant curry, when I woke up my Pilau was missing.

News Headline: Hitler drinking game probed by Huddersfield university.
Anyone else read this story for the simple purpose of finding out how it is played?

Since the birth of my first baby I've had endless sleepless nights...
These new 24 drinking laws are great!

Drinking tropical juice out of the carton is probably the nearest I'll ever get to getting off with a Caribbean girl.

My guinea pigs are so sweet.
Which is strange as most people consider them as a savoury item.

On the way home from the pub last night, I lost control and slammed into a brick wall.
At least I wasn't driving.

I had a Wimpey breakfast this morning.
A yoghurt and a rivita.

Apparently, Eskimos have over a thousand different words for snow.
Does this mean that Americans have a thousand different words for doughnut?

Why DO they call it a 'Selection Box' when you eat them all in the end eventually??
Might as well call a bag of Maltesers a 'Selection Bag'.

Now I'm not going to brag, but the chips I make at my chip shop are so good they've been in The Mirror, The Sun and many other newspapers.

Things you will never hear at a McDonald's restaurant #32:
"These fries could use some salt."

I'm so good at cooking, even the fire alarm is cheering me on.

I love to get the brushes out and watch my five-year-old do some painting but if she keeps falling off the ladder she'll never finish that window.

My mate must be the fattest and greediest git on the planet.
I went into a restaurant with him the other day and after looking at the menu for a couple of minutes he handed it back to the waiter and said "OK".

Is it me, or did Coco-Pops put a monkey on their box on purpose?

A woman was waiting for her meal in a Chinese restaurant and an elderly waiter began setting down chopsticks in front of her. The woman made a great show of pulling her own chopsticks out of her bag.' As an environmentalist I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests to provide disposable utensils.' she said.
The waiter picked up the woman's chopsticks and examined them, ' Very beautiful, ' he remarked, ' genuine ivory. '

I tried my first kiwi fruit yesterday. It was hairier than I was expecting.
Still, he was a good kisser and had a nice, tight ring.

My wife finds it offensive when I use the word 'puke', so why does she keep asking me what her cooking tastes like?