I went to the bar yesterday and was drinking absinthe all night and started to get emotional about not seeing my parents for five years.
Well you know what they say,
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

I was sat eating my tea last night, I said to my wife, "Did you cook this?"
She said. "Yes, why?"
I said, "There's something wrong with it."
"What do you mean?" she replied.
I said, "It tastes quite nice."

I don't need to spend a lot of money on a woman, just for her to tell me "You've had too much to drink!"
The coppers do it for free.

I just saw an advert that said- "Pot Noodle- The Nation's Favourite Food".
That's a bit of an exaggeration I thought.
You can't really consider it as food.

Isn't it ironic when it's the price of onions that makes you cry?

If there is anything I have learnt in life it's that you can't beat a cup of tea, but you can beat your wife.

Went to the chippy and couldn't decide what to get, I said ''Ok, I'll get my chips with peas because I really really love peas''
''Don't get mushy'' he said.

Today i feel on top of the world as it is officially 1 year since i stopped Drinking.
I'm going down the pub to celebrate with a couple of pints.

The fat missus has started getting a bit of pride in herself lately.
Well, she's started eating lion bars.

BBC News - Maternity Leave, Brussels wants to change things, but will the situation improve?
Does 'getting the farts' make a baby come out faster?

After living on a diet of lager and pot noodles for the past seven days. My wife decided it was brobably best that she did the weekly shopping from now on.
Oh well, I can live with that.

In many ways, the food different cultures eat represent them.
Italian food is smart and sophisticated
English food is robust, simple, and warm.
American food is over the top and grand.
Mexican food smells.

I have just found out why my girlfriend has given me the nickname Subway.
I promise a foot long but, just like Subway, I don't deliver.

McDonald's have announced they are to release the 'MJburger'.
It's going to contain 50 year old meat between 10 year old meat.

Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"

Just shoplifted some potatoes. It said 'perferct size for jackets' on the bag.

China are creating a new chicken dish including some unknown ingredients. It's called Disoriental Chicken.

My wife says i never help out with the dinner.
"Okay. Fine!" I said, "What do you want me to do?"
"Do you think you could manage to stick some food in the bowl?" she called.
"I'm one step ahead of you!" I said triumphantly." I even flushed it."

Men are like coolers;
Fill them full of beer and you can take them anywhere.

My wife left to get me my food from McDonald's over three hours ago and she still hasn't returned.
I'm really starting to get worried now...
My fries will be getting cold.

My wife had just made my dinner and asked if I wanted any salt and pepper on.
I said "Sure, If we don't have any LL cool J"

I work as a Barman and for a while now i have been worried as i'm always hearing voices at work even though there is no one there.
To try and figure out what has been happening to me i went to the Doctor's and told him my about my problem.
The Doctor gave me a full checkup and even took some X-rays,but he couldn't find anything that could cause the symptoms i have been experiencing. "What job do you do?" he asked suddenly. "I'm a Barman." i replied."
Well that explains it" said the Doctor "It's just the Booze talking."

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish and chips.
After a few mouthfuls I called the waiter over.
' I've tasted fresher fish than this, ' I said.
' Not in here, ' replied the waiter.

Just been fired from my job at a Spanish restaurant for poisoning the customers with my version of paella.
I always thought you had to put ricin.

I went into KFC the other day and asked for some Bingo Wings.
"Sorry sir, we don't do those."
I said "well my wife's in here all the time, and you've given her some."