Apparently, your supposed to eat five fruit or veg a day to stay reasonably healthy.
A girl I use to know did just that.
The only problem was the oranges were mades by Terry's

Advantages of working in a bakery:
- the delicious atmosphere
- never going hungry
- finding that hand-kneading dough is a good way to clean your fingernails.

A bloke came up to me in the street and asked if I had any Red Leicester. I apologised and said I only had Swiss cheese.
He went emmental.

My new job is a breath of fresh air.
I'm responsible for filling the packs of Walker's crisps.

Dinner at my mate's house was ruined by the amount of dandruff falling from his head.
There was also far too much Parmesan on my spaghetti.

According to scientists, I'm 50% genetically similar to a banana.
No wonder i'm so appealing.

Lost my job at McDonalds yesterday.
Management seems to have a different definition of seeded bun.

I was crying my eyes out when I was chopping the carrots today
It wasn't sad I just didn't want the onions to feel insecure

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better, it was wet. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it. But I decided on ketchup for my burger.

One of my mates thought it would be a hilarious prank to make ice lollies out of anti-freeze.
His plan failed for some reason....

After causing some offence in the office, I'm going to think twice before I describe snacking on an apple as "eating my Granny out".

I don't eat indian food anymore.
I just chuck a tenner down the toilet.
It cuts out the middle man.

Smuggling sweets into the cinema; almost as British as a cup of tea.

BBC News: "A Polish man living in Germany spent five years with a bullet in the back of his head having forgotten he was shot because he was drunk when it happened."
Now I've had some forgetful nights... but being shot in the head! I don't care what you say about those Poles, they sure know how to drink!

Lenny Henry's ex wife has admitted to "a couple of nibbles" on the dating scene.
I very much doubt Dawn French ever has only " a couple of nibbles" of anything...

I just bought a dark chocolate Mars bar,
It helps you rest and play.

I've just bought a flat that overlooks a frozen food factory.
I've got a Birds eye view of it.

When I search Sickipedia, it tells me Rhubarb took 12ms to do a search and display the result. How times change - when I was 8, he used to spend all night working in his shed to discover the solution and share it with Custard the Cat.

Subway employees are just filling a role

When I am bored, I like to ring up Currys and ask if they deliver.
When they say "yes", I like to respond with "Well, I'll have a Lamb Balti with a Keema Naan, and the Missus will have a Chicken Korma".

I'm gutted I got kicked out of my local cinema for taking my own food.
It's been ages since I had a BBQ.

Found part of a child's body in a skip... walkers will put anything into their bags of crisps these days.

I remember when my Dad caught me with some salmon.
He made me smoke the whole packet.

I just started dating a vegan.
I'll go for anyone with a Pulse.

Lurpack Spreadable
Ironically, the only thing I am spreading is my bread around the plate.