I can really taste my food since giving up smoking.
So I've decided to divorce my wife.

I used to eat in my local McDonald's all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said:
'Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.'

I can't stop drinking peach archers and lemonade.
think I'd better schnapp out of it.

I know its traditional to throw rice at weddings but I was walking past an Indian do in Bradford at the weekend so I chucked half rice half chips.

Eating fast food every day may shorten your life but it still works out for the best because you save so much time on preparation.

When will greengrocers stop referring to 'New Potatoes'?
They've been out for years now, so isn't it about time they just called them potatoes?

Warburtons are bringing out their own range of crisps. The first flavour to hit the shelves will be 'Smokey Bakery'.

"Doritos Bigger Bag"
That's nice and all, but maybe put some more crisps in there, too?

All that money Stella must make selling beer, you would think that they could afford a dictionary to check the spelling of cider

My Batchelors lifestyle is getting boring.
Cup-a-Soup is all I know how to make.

I've had so much coffee that I got halfway to work this morning before I realised I forgot my car.

I looked at an item of food the other day to look at the ingredients. I looked on the bottom and it said "Do not turn container upside down."
Bit too late for that.

BBC Sport: Liverpool Ponder Chinese Takeover.
I can sympathise, the decision between a Chinese or an Indian is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

I fancied some tea the other day.
Boy, it sure is difficult to walk through Tesco with a hard on.

When I was younger, I use to spit, but now I swallow.
It's funny how you get used to Brussel Sprouts

I told my mate I was going to the nearby shop. He asked me to get him a chocolate bar while I was there.
"What kind of chocolate bar?" I asked.
"Just get me a Galaxy" He replied.
He wasn't impressed when I got back and gave him a Milky Way.

I think we've got a Korean police officer on an exchange visit in our area.
I've just seen a police car with a box of doughnuts and a cooked dog on the back seat.

There's no popcorn in Popcorn Chicken so don't even bother with the hash browns

My girlfriend said baked potatoes would be healthier for me than cakes.
We'll see. I'm just icing the potato now.

I could tell it had no artificial flavours or colours in it on account of it having no colour... and no flavour

A man saw a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Exotic Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Exotic Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you prefer, then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," he replied.

To offend any wine tasters and wine experts, refer to wine as "grape cider".

Walker's crisp factory could save loads of money on packaging, by using smaller bags for their individually packed crisps.

I've made a conscious decision to stop eating meat.
Yup, from now on I'm only going to eat McDonald's.

What's the difference between women and whisky?
Whisky carries on getting tastier after it's 14 years old.