My mates called me last night asking if I wanted to go over, have a few beers, play on the PS3 and smoke a few joints. Sounded like a good idea so I grabbed my keys, got a few joints ready then drove over there. We had a few beers then went out to his shed to smoke. After a while the smoke was thick, the place stank and we couldn't stop coughing so we called it a night. Was well worth the effort though, this ham is amazing.

Delia Smith once said there is nothing worse than a soggy souffl.
As a diabetic throat cancer patient I wouldn't know, but it certainly sounds awful.

Took my wife for a romantic dinner the other night.
As we were tucking into it, 6 mentally handicapped people appeared from nowhere and started to sing various lines from well known songs. I didn't have a clue what was going on, until i saw a notice at the bottom of the menu, saying ' all dishes accompanied by a medley of vegetables'

When we were first married my wife asked me how I liked my steak and I replied 'rare'.
I think she misunderstood, that was eight years ago and she's only ever cooked steak twice since.

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese.

A good woman is like a good loaf of bread
She should have a bouncy body, not taste too yeasty and preferably she should be white.

Joe leaves his house at 3.50 am, with 17.60 in his pocket. He arrives at the all-night garage at 3.57 am, and buys the following;
8 Kit-Kats, at 40 pence each
2 tubes of Pringles, at 1.65 each
3 Pepperami Firesticks, at 70 pence each
2 Litre bottles of Ginger Ale, at 1.19 each
Now; before he left his house, how many joints did Joe smoke?

I was at work today, and this really cute old man gave me a 2 tip for helping him pack his bags, telling me to "Buy myself a drink." I was genuinely touched by the gesture, and I was quite lost for words for a moment, before I finally came out with, "I drink Carling mate, that's 2:50, cough up."

The wife trained the dog yesterday not to beg for food at the dinner table.
She gave it some.

I just saw a van drive by with the company name "Seafood Solutions"
I have to admit, I didn't know that seafood was a problem.

How do you know when you have no life?
When you read the jokes on the back of penguin bars and find them partially funny.

Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said "be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity "
so I left without paying.

My girlfriend is like a Happy Meal.
Small, cheap and greasy.

I thought I'd found a secret message in my cereal this morning. It said 'Ooooo'
Apparently they were cheerios.

"Have it your way" is the Burger King slogan,
Apparently doggy style with the lady on checkout was the wrong interpretation of this.

I tried one of those cereal bars this morning.
What a rip off - they were charging 4.50 for a pint of Frosties.

I'm taking back this bag of M&M's I just bought as they appear to be faulty.
Half of them are W's.

I went to a McDonald's drive through this morning.
I killed 6 and seriously injured a dozen.
How was I supposed to know you're meant to drive around the restaurant and not through it?

This foil wrapped bread is a con. It says it lasts for seven days. I ate mine in two.

Death row prisoners.... Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut.

I went to Port-au Prince McDonald's the other day and ordered a large shake and look what happened!

I got a job at Cadbury's and was told I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted for free.
Yes guys, I'm living the American dream.

My girlfriend put her hair in a bun this morning.
She's got some weird eating habits.

Wholemeal bread.
I can't see this catching on. You need some meat and vegetables and stuff really.

If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?