I tried to cook an octopus last night ... after eight hours I gave up ...
It just kept on switching the gas off

Health experts say red meat is the worst for your health.
Surely not as bad as furry green meat.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll hoover up all the cod stocks in the Atlantic
and drive blue fin tuna to the edge of extinction.

My Australian friend, learning about the Scottish culture, asked me for my idea of the perfect Scottish breakfast.
"A bottle of whisky, a haggis and a collie dog" I replied
"Why the collie?"
"To eat the haggis..."

In the supermarket earlier, a group of lads started throwing chocolate, biscuits and cakes at me.
It was all very unsavoury.

Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table.
So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat the bones out.
Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:-
That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them

I bought Pringles 'cause the advert said it had 90 chips in the can.
Liars! It was full of crisps! What a waste of gravy...

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

I was having dinner in a restaurant when the waiter said, "Can I get your bill, sir?"
I said, "Are you sure that you can afford it?"

My wife got drunk on Stella at the weekend and feels so ashamed...
But I told her not to beat herself up over it

My girlfriend was furious with me today for using her hair straighteners.
I didn't need to straighten my hair, I just wanted to grill one fish finger.

If Old MacDonald has a farm, why can't he put some actual meat in his burgers?

You know you have a small house when, Rice Krispies start to echo.

I failed miserably when I tried to invent a gravy using nitrous oxide
It's now the laughing stock.

I was in my local shop earlier when suddenly this guy burst in and started shooting off rounds at the chocolate display.
I think he was a bounty hunter .......

.. thinks life was much more simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just Mr. Kiplings pie fillings.

I swear to god, one day I will have my revenge.
One day it'll be the onion crying.

Just saw an Onion ring,
So I answered it.

"I am what I am" is a poor choice of song for the Lambrini advert as 90% of the people that drink it are chav girls that neck a bottle of it before getting fingered against a biffa bin.

I was asked today if I supported GM food. I said, "not really," as I think they should stick to making cars.

Muslims stay sober, so us English folk can have fried food before we go to bed.

I was at McDonalds earlier and I found a full chicken foot in a McNugget.
Disgusted, I took it straight to the manager, he said 'That's impossible, how did that get in there?'
I said 'So you're telling me you don't believe I found this in my meal?'
He replied 'No Sir, I am just shocked you found some chicken!'

When I buy chickens I always check the label to make sure they aren't those "happy" free range ones. I'd like to think I'm doing the chickens I eat a favour.

I had one of those ready meals for tea. Cooperative sausages and mash.
Far better than those uncooperative sausages and mash, which exploded in the microwave, set the house on fire and killed two of my friends.

Got a job measuring Cadbury's hot chocolate powder.
It's only temporary.
I'm weighing up the Options.