Don't talk to me about the laws of probability. I opened a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti for lunch today, and it was filled entirely with letter 'o's. The odds against that happening must be astronomical.

My boss reckons I'm a greedy pig and he said that, if I can get through a whole day at work without mentioning biscuits, he'll give me a hundred quid.
Nice.

My wife's been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

A man in a pub sees another man standing at the bar with carrots in his ears. He walks across and asks the guy, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have carrots in your ears?"
"Sorry, can't hear you mate, I've got carrots in my ears."

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
-------------------------------
Copy from Daily Mail magazines much ?

A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.
"Waiter, what's this Chicken Tarka?"
The waiter replies, "it's the same as Chicken Tikka, but it's a little 'Otter."

I was in the pub last night and some bloke stole my drink off the bar. I just pretended not to notice.
One of my mates told me I'd lost my bottle.

I used to think KFC stands for Kiddie Fiddler's Club until i recently found out it stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Still, in both contexts, it's finger licking good!

Give a man a fish and he will feed himself for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

I always take life with a pinch of salt...plus a slice of lemon...and a shot of tequila.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
And eyes and ears and mouth and nose.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
A fun children's song, and also the ingredients of a Big Mac.

Cheese has holes.
The more cheese you have, the more holes you have.
The more holes you have, the less cheese you have.
Conclusion: The more cheese you have, the less cheese you have.

Why are some women like oysters?
Because it usually takes a knife to get into them

I met this girl in a club last night, I think she's a body builder.
She just so happened to build hers using chips.

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?
He was dragged under by a strong current.

"This tastes burnt!" I grimaced as I put my fork down in disgust.
"That's not burnt, it's caramelised." insisted my wife.
"It's supposed to be a salad."

My friends don't understand why I've given up boozing. I've told them it's because I want to feel more motivated. I mean, Hitler was teetotal and look at what he achieved.

I bought a ''Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine'' to lose weight.
I put on five stone.
I blame the delicious gravy it makes.

I now realise why It's not ideal to eat ice cream while using a laptop.
I was talkng to my sister online and she asked me why I was typing so slowly,
so I replied, 'well my other hands busy;
She hasn't replied yet.

My best friend would have been competing in the Olympic games but he tested positive for two types of steroids and a synthetic growth hormone.
It's his own fault really, I did tell him to stop eating burgers from McDonald's.

I've been drink driving for years now and have never been pulled over. In fact cars tend to get out of my way.
I love working in my ambulance.

As I opened the second bottle of brandy I started to think seriously about what I was doing to my liver.
Then I realised I was frying it with onions.

I'm having dinner in a Greek restaurant, so hopefully a German will be able to pay for it.

A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow 100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."
"Wow, hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."
The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow 200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."
"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."
In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow 500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."
"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"
The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth."

I took a girl to a bar on our first date last night.
I asked her what she wanted to drink.
She said, "Champagne, I guess."
"Guess again!" I said.