"Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the bin.....

The McRib is vaguely shaped like a rack of ribs in the same way that people who eat it are vaguely shaped like people

So Africans have to walk 15 miles every day just for a bucket of water.
I always wondered how they managed to stay thin.

So Ramadan's come round again. It must be a nightmare for all those Asians, resisting the temptation to eat all day, especially as they all work in McDonald's.

I saw a sign in McDonald's saying, "There's more to working at McDonald's than flipping burgers."
At first I was sceptical, but as I retuned to my car I saw a man dressed in a jacket that proudly displayed the words, "Litter patrol". How wrong I was.

In the budget a new tax was announced on hot food, which is defined as food that is significantly above room temperature.
Thankfully this doesn't affect me as I always have a sausage roll from Greggs for lunch.

The Doctor called me in to check out my digestive system, so I walked into his office with a cup of tea in my hand and told him,
"You just dip it into the tea and take a bite, then repeat until they're all gone."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

At Pizza Express, you can now get garlic bread with cheese and tomato.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that a pizza?

My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli.
You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

Funny how fruit imitates life.
When a banana is bad, smelly and no use to anyone it turns black.

What's worse than finding a hair in your food?
Finding a dreadlock in your Reggae Reggae sauce.

My wife found a lump in her breast earlier.
According to the KFC helpline it was probably just a breadcrumb.

Whoever decided that a one inch mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

I saw a bloke today with a sign that said, "Will Work For Food."
So I gave him a coconut.

Hear about the new fast-food restaurant that has opened in Bradford?
It's called Burka King.

If revenge is sweet and a dish best served cold, is it ice cream?

"Would you like a table?"
"No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please."

What's the healthiest part of a McDonald's happy meal?
The toy.

Oh God, was I drunk last night. So drunk, I couldn't walk.
I had to drive home!

My local baker offered me a very good price to make a birthday cake. Then he said he would decorate it for free.
Well, that was just the icing on the cake.

A lady at the supermarket asked me if I've ever drunk orange juice with pulp.
I said, "No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones."

I used to love licking the whisk after Mum made cakes, so I let my kids do the same.
Thinking back, I reckon when I was young, my parents must've unplugged it first.

Shamefully, I have to admit, it only takes me one drink to get drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.