Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night.
The waiter asked, "Have you ever tried frog?"
I said, "I've had a Freddo."

Greggs advert - "All our food is made with love"
I know an ice-cream man who went to jail for that.

The German football player Muller is not too good at shooting.
He is better at corners.

I was eating a packet of Walker's crisps the other day: Stephen Fry's Fry Up flavour. The first crisp tasted just like sausages, the second tasted exactly like eggs with tomato ketchup, but what did the third crisp taste of?
Trick question: of course there was no third crisp.

For thousands of years, human beings have milked cows and consumed the milk.
It just makes you wonder: who actually discovered that cows could be milked and what was he TRYING to do?

I ordered a Whopper in Burger King the other day and offered a pound for it.
"No," said the girl, "it's 3.88!"
We argued for a few minutes before she gave in.
"Fine!" she said. "Have it your way!"

A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the man. "It's his birthday!"

I can't help but wonder how Bovril happened.
At what point was anyone looking at tea and thinking "This isn't meaty enough."?

They've just brought out non-alcoholic Cider...
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice!

I am thinking of going on the next series of Dragons Den with a toaster actually big enough to take a full slice of bread.

Apparently, 50,000 died from driving last year and 10,000 died from drinking, Yet only 500 died from drink driving. Then again, only 2 people died from drink driving and juggling. I think thats my safest way home then.

To all the fat ladies out there, remember, stressed is desserts spelt backwards.

I was eating a Granny Smith earlier.
She didn't seem to know what was happening but at least she was grateful.

I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, "Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?"
So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone.
So, as a result, there was no punch line.

Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.

Life is like a box of chocolates; my wife gets really annoyed when I try to finish hers.

My friend was saying how he thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever.
He obviously hasn't bit straight into a fresh McDonald's apple pie.

Going to McDonald's for a salad?
That makes about as much sense as going to a crack-house for vitamins.

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate."
He said, "Are you 18?"
I said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.

I don't think I could ever fist someone.
I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

A man walks into a shop and ponders over the confectionery at the counter.
He says, "I'll have a Twirl and a Boost, please."
The shopkeeper gaily spins round, points and says, "Honey, you look fabulous today!"

My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.
I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.