Germany are releasing a new dessert in honour of their World Cup squad.
Muller Reich.

Just saw a really fat Korean kid.
His father said it's puppy fat.

I had a row with my girlfriend down the pub last night and ended up chucking my drink over her.
Thank god I was only drinking Carling.

Ocean Spray - Good Taste from a Good Place...
It's sour and American, am I missing something?

i joined a social networking site for alcoholics the other day. Its called offyourfacebook

My wife accidentally mistook Kronenbourg for Kaliber and bought me alcohol free beer. Boy, was her face red.
Because I punched her as hard as I could.

I'm really please i invited the wife to my last threesome sandwich.
She really made it.

'A juicy, roast Turkey glaced with fine Honey'.. 'Fresh Carrots hand picked in the British Countryside'..
This isn't any food...
This is overpriced, poncey food.

I went into my local and ordered a bottle of Taliban. I meant to say Kaliber but always get those two mixed up - strictly no alcohol and they blow you up.

I eat like a pig but I'm still really skinny
Whatever the farmer puts in the trough really works!

I've just been to see a moving drama called "Onions: 4D",
By the end, everyone was crying, when the main character was stabbed.

I turned to my wife the other day and said 'they should call you warburtons'
'oh very funny, because I'm inbred?' she replied sarcastically.
I replied 'no, your only useful for a sandwich'

The wife shouted through from the kitchen earlier.
"How do I tell if the spaghetti is ready."
"Take a strand out of the pan and throw it at the wall,if it sticks then it's ready"I shouted back.
"Woohoo!"she squealed seconds later."It stuck."
90 minutes and 162 Woohoo!s later I finally got my dinner.

I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and shout "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

I've been attempting alternative methods of cooking recently.
I baked an egg, fried a pie and grilled a lasagne.
I was going to try boiling haddock but that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish!

I was out shopping earlier when I saw a bag of oranges that said "These oranges are fair trade."
So, just to confuse the cashier, I bought some blood oranges too.

My local pub is brilliant.
If you have 16 pints you get a free bucket to vomit in.

Jammie Dodgers adverts, making you feel like the world's biggest drug addict since 2011.

I've been running quite a successful award winning restaurant for the past 6 months now.
My secret is not to tell anyone that the actual award was "Filthiest Kitchen In Manchester".

I always support locally grown produce.
That's why I drink my Gin and Tonic with a slice of onion in it.

At Christmas I went on a world food tour.
It was mostly rubbish but I enjoyed Turkey and Brussels

McDonald's drive through.
Because eating your burger in the drivers seat of your car, sat in a bleak, uninspiring industrial car park is still infinitely preferable than having to be near the kind of person who sits down in the restaurant.

As a result of the worst UK economic forecast since the days of ration books, chancellor George Osbourne has asked the EU to extend the 5 second rule.

How does a paki order two bottles of American beer?
Bud bud.

Korea - The only place you can do a chicken doggy style