I was eating a sandwich the other day and as i finished the first half i felt i'd had enough and decided to throw the other half in the bin.
As i was doing so a woman approached and said ''How can you do that? Think of all the starving children in Africa''
I turned to her and said ''I was, why do you think i threw it in the bin?''

My local pub is brilliant.
If you have 16 pints you get a free bucket to vomit in.

Jammie Dodgers adverts, making you feel like the world's biggest drug addict since 2011.

I've been running quite a successful award winning restaurant for the past 6 months now.
My secret is not to tell anyone that the actual award was "Filthiest Kitchen In Manchester".

I always support locally grown produce.
That's why I drink my Gin and Tonic with a slice of onion in it.

At Christmas I went on a world food tour.
It was mostly rubbish but I enjoyed Turkey and Brussels

Korea - The only place you can do a chicken doggy style

My wife said it would be nice if I bought a magnum of champagne for our wedding anniversary.
I tried, but they only had double chocolate flavour at the petrol station.

All i did was pop to the shops for half an hour,
but inadvertantly, discovered a great recipe for oven roasted dog.

McDonald's drive through.
Because eating your burger in the drivers seat of your car, sat in a bleak, uninspiring industrial car park is still infinitely preferable than having to be near the kind of person who sits down in the restaurant.

How does a paki order two bottles of American beer?
Bud bud.

As a result of the worst UK economic forecast since the days of ration books, chancellor George Osbourne has asked the EU to extend the 5 second rule.

I was sacked from my job at McDonalds for stealing a portion of fries.
I took it with a pinch of salt.

scotch eggs must be absolute nightmares for vegatarians, they have death on the outside, and the potential for life within.

Me and my mate arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. I pulled out a lovely Chicken Mayo sandwich and my mate had Ham & Mustard.
Seeing us eat these in his pub, the angry publican approaches us and says, 'Excuse me, but you cant eat your own sandwiches in here!'
Which is such a shame because I hate Mustard.

BBC: Seven die in French hostel fire.
Thanks for that info, I now have a craving for some French toast.

If there really were a food court, Taco Bell would almost certainly be found guilty.

I'm a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn't working out too well.
What is it that we love about 'belle cheese' that you English don't?

Pulled myself a pint tonight,
It made me realise how little luck I must have with the ladies

'BBC News - Ancient Britons 'Drank from skulls'
... That's nothing new, haven't they been to the north after chucking out time?'

At a family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists.

If drinking Bitter makes you a bitter person, and drinking Wine makes you whine... Why doesn't Boddingtons Extra Smooth seem to work?

Just found a message in a bottle.
It said "keep drinking me and I'll teach you to dance." I love wine.

Just had some 'Rachel's Organic Yoghurt' and can't help thinking that it tastes like she used it to treat a yeast infection

It makes sense that non-alcoholic drinks are called virgins, because I stopped being one as soon as I started getting alcohol in me too.