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My local pub is brilliant.
If you have 16 pints you get a free bucket to vomit in.

I was eating a sandwich the other day and as i finished the first half i felt i'd had enough and decided to throw the other half in the bin.
As i was doing so a woman approached and said ''How can you do that? Think of all the starving children in Africa''
I turned to her and said ''I was, why do you think i threw it in the bin?''

I feel really sorry for those Norwegians who drowned while trying to escape from the gunman.
If only they had a packet of Walkers each they would have been saved....

I made the most amazing pasta dish this evening for tea.
After I'd put my soup in, it all went soggy and fell apart though.

My girlfriend accused me of living in the past the other day.
I almost dropped my can of Virgin Cola.

I woke up to find myself amongst a variety of diced vegetables in a thick vinegar sauce.
What a pickle.

I'm on the Anthony Worral Thompson diet. You mostly eat cheese and do a lot of running.

I hear the Netherlands make a great sauce to go with my Eggs Benedict, so this summer im going there for my Hollandaise

I always stick to the 5 second rule when I drop food.
But apparently serving it at the Ritz can get you fired

I love having my dinner on my lap in front of the telly.
It means I don't have to wash up a plate, but soup is a nightmare.

My Chinese wife went swimming with the dolphins yesterday,
She ate three before they managed to pull her out.

scotch eggs must be absolute nightmares for vegatarians, they have death on the outside, and the potential for life within.

Me and my mate arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. I pulled out a lovely Chicken Mayo sandwich and my mate had Ham & Mustard.
Seeing us eat these in his pub, the angry publican approaches us and says, 'Excuse me, but you cant eat your own sandwiches in here!'
Which is such a shame because I hate Mustard.

BBC: Seven die in French hostel fire.
Thanks for that info, I now have a craving for some French toast.

If there really were a food court, Taco Bell would almost certainly be found guilty.

I'm a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn't working out too well.
What is it that we love about 'belle cheese' that you English don't?

Pulled myself a pint tonight,
It made me realise how little luck I must have with the ladies

'BBC News - Ancient Britons 'Drank from skulls'
... That's nothing new, haven't they been to the north after chucking out time?'

At a family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists.

If drinking Bitter makes you a bitter person, and drinking Wine makes you whine... Why doesn't Boddingtons Extra Smooth seem to work?

I hate it when my chewing gum goes all tasteless.
I spat it out once and it was in the shape of a dead baby.

My new girlfriend was telling me about how she left her ex as he was a serial cheater.
I thought to myself "...i wonder if he knows Tony the tiger from Frosties"

I was at a church fair today and there was stall with lots of cakes on. I walked up to the stand and asked "how much are your cakes love"
the little lady across the table replied "one pound each dear."
"Can I have one of those cakes please" I asked whilst pointing to the one that I wanted.
"Thats will be two pounds" said the lady
confused, I asked the lady "why is that cake "two pounds when you said all the cakes were one pound"
well said the lady "thats Madeira cake."

I wondered what the colour of water is the other day.
Then it became clear to me.