Just found a message in a bottle.
It said "keep drinking me and I'll teach you to dance." I love wine.

It makes sense that non-alcoholic drinks are called virgins, because I stopped being one as soon as I started getting alcohol in me too.

Just had some 'Rachel's Organic Yoghurt' and can't help thinking that it tastes like she used it to treat a yeast infection

I was having a packet of kettle crisps with my Stella when the wife says "Why are those crisp bags so big"? I said "they're made in Norwich you need a bigger bag to get a 6 fingered hand in"

I wondered what the colour of water is the other day.
Then it became clear to me.

I was at a church fair today and there was stall with lots of cakes on. I walked up to the stand and asked "how much are your cakes love"
the little lady across the table replied "one pound each dear."
"Can I have one of those cakes please" I asked whilst pointing to the one that I wanted.
"Thats will be two pounds" said the lady
confused, I asked the lady "why is that cake "two pounds when you said all the cakes were one pound"
well said the lady "thats Madeira cake."

News: African fruit burns 12.3 lbs of fat every 28 days
Mother Nature, the only woman with a sense of humour

What's the difference between black people and Libyans?
Black people aren't happy that the Colonel's no longer around.

I needed a camera with a huge zoom so i phoned up mcdonalds and asked them what they use to show burgers on their adverts

Feeling peckish, I decided to send my young son to the shop to fetch a hot pie for me. That was hours ago and there's been no sign so I'm really starting to panic now.
How long do pies stay edible?

Producers of microwave meals, to save adding flavour to your product simply double the required cooking time. This will allow the consumer to enjoy the taste of burning flesh as it peels away from the insides of his mouth.

I picked a random selection out of my tin of Roses, the side one of them read "Contains: Soya"
Imagine my disappointment when I opened it to find a chocolate

2 Girls 1 Cup - Sponsored by Cadburys Creme Egg
How do you eat yours?

I've just been appointed as the new chairman of the Vegetarian Society. My first job is to arrange the Annual General Quorning.

Everyone seems to think I'm a alcoholic because I have several bottles of wine with every meal...
But it's the only way I can cope with eating my wife's cooking.

I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused.
I forgot she doesn't like lamb.

A dyslexic kid asks his mum for a McDonalds.
She says you can have one if you spell it, the kid replies "Never mind... I'll have a K.F.C"

As a company, what do McDonald's call their 17-18 year old staff members?
Managers.

My wife's into all sorts in the bedroom.
And I like Minstrels and Tangfastics.

I couldn't believe it when the local pizza shop accused me of taking advantage of their all you can eat on one plate offer.
And to add insult to injury, they even billed me for having to clean some tomato and pineapple off the ceiling.

why would McDonalds not serve under 18's? that's like poundland only serving the Royal Family.

This wind broke down my bathroom wall earlier.
Then again, I did have a strong curry for tea.

I'm going to give up meat and become a vegetarian.
So far I've quit cold turkey.

I have just opened up a shop selling lucky charms and I've called it 'Fortune'.
It's next door to the coffee shop 'Costa'

My girlfriend, after becoming ill mentioned that some fresh air might make her feel better.
So I got her a bag of Walkers crisps.