What's the difference between black people and Libyans?
Black people aren't happy that the Colonel's no longer around.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best when it comes to cooking.
But yesterday I decided to rustle something up for the wife when she came in from work.
She seemed surprised, then said, 'are well you did try, but it does look a bit like a dogs dinner',
I was amazed she noticed, after all I did add herbs and spices to it.

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!

I was at a restaurant with a friend and noticed my waitress had a black eye and her lip was split.
So when I told her my order I raised my voice a little bit, spoke very clear, and talked s..l..o..w..l..y, because it's obvious she doesn't listen.

I found a human hair on my pizza last night.
The wife must have been keeping food in the wrong freezer again.

i phoned up the local indian restaurant last night and said "do you deliver?"
they said "no but we have lamb"

I got kicked out of my son's school summer fayer today for having an inappropriate name for my pancake stall.
Apparently, 'Toss Off' wasn't appropriate.

My mates were arguing the other day over who ordered what from the fish and chip shop.
I was gonna interrupt them but then I thought, "It's not my plaice."

Gutted. Left a large bag of those chocolate and toffee sweets in my car in the hot sun.
What a sad state of eclairs.

I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said "Vodka please mate"
He said "How would you like it?"
I said "Give it to me straight"
He said "You're fat and ugly"

My dinner kept playing loud music until 2am this morning.
It was a club sandwich.

"Burger King Bought for 3.6bn"
and who said you couldn't buy into religion.

The wife asked me what she should buy for tea while at the shop.
Milk, sugar and tea bags. Stupid cow.

For a change, I went to see the local farmer to get some milk, although I've got to say, I prefer cow's.

McDonald's.
The only place you can play Monopoly and win a heart attack.

I followed a recipe book last night, because I decided to cook something exotic for supper,
It was a total disaster,
I lost track of it three streets away.

At last! I can get a kebab and not feel guilty when I refuse when I'm asked if I want salad with it!

I saw a very impressive constellation of stars last night.
The regional manager was in my local McDonald's.

I was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol.
Well, I read the first sentence at least.

The wife tried to 'cheese me off' last night.
She's started experimenting with dairy products in the bedroom.

Nearly got kicked out of McDonald's today... There was a fit girl who asked me if I wanted to go large for 30p so I told her "you've already done that, I'll give you a 1 to finish me off"

Given the price of food now think i'm gonna be a veggie, by that I mean no meat, ..........not in a coma

Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp.

My wife has recently had a face job, paid for by the richest most powerful brewers in Belgium..
Stella..

I got drunk last night. Mind you, thats what I get for sitting in a cup of tea.